


they don't know (i've waited all my life)

by moonybyeol (hurricanedelta)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Arithmancy (Harry Potter), Banter, F/M, Family Issues, First War with Voldemort, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Mostly Canon Compliant, Muggle World References, Secret Relationship, Secrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-10-29 13:39:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17808992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hurricanedelta/pseuds/moonybyeol
Summary: Hogwarts, 1978. You-Know-Who's forces are growing, and blood purity sentiments are blurring with house rivalries. Trust is waring thin and the impending graduation into the war is on all the seventh year's minds. Who a witch or wizard associates with has become a matter of life or death.Or, James and Lily date in secret to keep each other safe.





	1. it's between me and you (our little secret)

**Author's Note:**

> the main title and chapter titles are all from [they don't know about us](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjuftKz5ebU) by one direction, which was the original inspiration for this fic.
> 
> all warnings will be in the beginning notes for each chapter. tags will also be updated as chapters are updated. obviously, this story will contain lying by omission and other related themes. there will also be discussions of the wizarding war. other than the secret dating aspect, i hope to make this fic as canon-compliant as possible. i hope you enjoy!

If you asked anyone at Hogwarts if James Potter and Lily Evans were dating, they would laugh in your face. And rightfully so, because everyone knew Lily Evans would sooner shove her head in the lake and snog the giant squid. Everyone knew Lily Evans cannot look in James Potter’s direction without a frown darkening her bright, pretty face. Everyone knew Lily Evans despised everything to do with one Gryffindor Head Boy, James Potter.

And that’s what they wanted you to think.

Lily’s fingers slid up from James’ cheeks to his hair, pushing his head back. She trailed her kisses down to his neck, pressing her soft lips against his flushed skin. James’ fingers pushed at Lily’s blouse buttons, fumbling with the plastic. Her pale skin peaked out through her widening collar. James’ fingers brushed against her belly, and she sucked in a breath. Their ties lay tossed between James’ bed and side table.

“James,” she breathed into his neck, her lips caressing his skin. He slipped his hands onto her waist, pulling her closer. She sat on his lap, stockings hitting his pillow. James grinned at her, leaning down and pressing his lips against hers. He caught her bottom lip between his teeth. Lily slid closer, slotting their hips together, and rolling her—

“You’re kidding, Moony!” Sirius boomed up the stairs. 

James jumped ten feet in the air, shoving Lily away. She fell off the bed edge with a cry, landing onto the wooden floorboards with a thud. Lily pulled her blouse closed and frantically buttoned it from the bottom. James leaned over to his side table and reached for his invisibility cloak, pulling it from his drawer and unravelling it. He threw it over Lily, hiding her dishevelled figure. She poked her face out and scowled at him. A large lock of red hair stuck to her chapstick, hiding the scattered freckles on her right cheek.

“Keep the cloak over all of you and hide under the bed!” James whisper-shouted, and Lily pulled another face and gave him the V, but did it anyway. James fumbled with his buttons and fixed his glasses, grabbing the closest book —  _ Human Transfiguration and Disfigurement _ — to conceal his burning cheeks. The front of his hair stuck more to the left than usual, and James was almost certain that his collar popped up weirdly. He slid his legs under his maroon covers, and leant against the wooden pillar, head resting against his tied-up curtains.

The dormitory door opened, and Sirius, Remus, and Peter filed in. James pulled the book closer to his face, and gave a small wave. James pretended to read, but watched them over the cover. They greeted him in a hurry, grabbing their books for the second half of the day from their trunks. Remus multitasked — he shoved salami sandwiches in his mouth at full speed, hardly stopping to chew, and rifled through his trunk to find the right books. He tipped his books from the morning onto the floor, whereas Sirius and Peter stacked them on their bedside tables.

James turned his gaze downwards to his unbuckled belt and scowled behind his book. 

Sirius, Remus and Peter were interrupting precious Lily Time. Again! James’ mind went straight to their current prank plan, and wondered how he could get away with setting fake bugs on the other Marauders without them instantly ostracising him. James’ mind slipped into scheming mode, filtering through charms and solutions until Lily kicked the underside of one of his bed panels.  _ Right. Can’t do that. _

Lily and James could only meet alone on Fridays, even though they technically enjoyed each other’s company four times a week.

The two of them are scheduled to patrol the upper halls on Monday and Wednesday nights. The torches flicker overhead as they chat, keeping a respectable distance from each other and offering small smiles. Lily tied her hair into long plaits that swung as she walked, and decorated them with red and gold ribbons. She kept her face stern, whereas James carried himself with confidence that frightened the younger kids out of sneaking out of their dorms. James thought she looked pretty, and even more so when she got cross. Her face stood almost completely impenetrable, except for the small pout on her lips. James made the mistake of pointing it out to her once, and shortly after he experienced what it was like to have a firecracker explode in one’s face. Never again.

There was also the weekly Head Meeting, which they decided to hold on Saturday afternoons. Professor McGonagall or Dumbledore usually join them at some point during the meeting, leaving them with little time to themselves. James and Lily were tasked with creating rosters and completing paperwork, which was mindless enough for James to forget he wasn’t in detention. He kicked his feet up while he worked, and even though Lily disapproved, she couldn’t say anything as she tucked her own legs up on her seat. They usually finish their paperwork a little early, and spent the rest of the meeting laughing together about something that happened during the week, or something stupid one of the other’s friends did.

Then there was Friday. James dubbed it Lily Time, and had not told Lily he did so. She would likely get upset at him for the lack of covertness, and make him change it to something stupid and obvious like Charms Study or Transfiguration Practice — as if Sirius couldn’t see through that. Neither James or Lily had any classes until 2, so they slept in, stole some food from the kitchens, and relaxed together. More often than not, their relaxation led to something or rather, and before they know it their shirts are discarded on the floor.

It was during Lily Time James learned when Lily laughed hard enough she started to squeak and clap her hands together, and she had a habit of braiding her hair when she was nervous. James learned she has a scar on her foot from where she accidentally kicked a nail when she was a kid, and the last time she received a letter from her sister (8 words,  _ Do not send me any more letters — Petunia. _ ) she sobbed for an hour. It was during Lily Time James learned she loved strawberry chapstick, had sensitive thighs, and loved running her fingers through James’ hair.

James shivered.

“What’ve you been up to, Prongs?” Peter asked, not turning his head towards James. James shrugged, clearing his throat. His skin crawled as he remembered Lily’s lips pressed against his neck, and her fingers tangled in his hair. The back of his neck burned hot.

“Not much, Wormy. Sleeping, reading, eating. The usual nefarious things I do.”

Sirius snorted, leaning against one of James’ bedposts. He had a tiny bit of apricot jam on the corner of his lip. “Being a right bore, more like.”

Any thought James had of telling him about the jam vanished.

“At least I got to sleep in, which is more that can be said for your ugly mug, Pads.” Sirius gave a sarcastic smile, rolling his eyes.

“But Merlin knows you need the beauty sleep.”

Remus piped up before James could respond. He sounded like he just swallowed an entire mouthful of bread. “You could be putting in some work for Operation Bees, but you’re studying transfiguration.”

“Human transfig, at that,” Sirius snorted.

James scowled, mindful of Lily underneath his bed. He thinks she stifled a giggle, but he can’t be sure. James needed to be careful with his response, and crafted it expertly. A lifetime of mischief will do that, he supposed. “I’ll get bees done later - it’s not like the charms are difficult.”

Peter walked over and pat his leg. “You underestimate the bees, Prongs.”

James rolled his eyes, picturing Peter swarmed by bees. He really didn’t. “Op. Bees will go just fine if you lot keep your bloody traps shut.”

“Keep your pants on, Prongs,” Sirius said while checking his watch, “We’ve gotta go. I have to cosy up to Kettleburn before class starts.”

“Merlin forbid you don’t flirt with your teachers.” Peter rolled his eyes with a huff. Peter picked up his book bag, and moved to help Remus pile everything in his. The two stood up, and bid James farewell.

“See you in Potions!” he called out as they filed out the dormitory.

“Oh, and Prongs?” Remus turned back, a smirk playing on his face, “Your book’s upside down.”

James cursed at the three of them and their cackling as they left. It echoed all the way down to when (James assumed) they exited the Gryffindor common room. James took a deep breath, slumping in his bed. 

The dorm room was silent until Lily whispered, “Can I come out, yet?”

“Should be safe. We’d hear Sirius stomping all the way up, wouldn’t we?”

Lily pulled the cloak off and tossed it back at James, “Don’t push me again, you tosser.”

“I panicked! We can’t be caught, Miss Bond, if you recall.”

Lily rolled her eyes, sitting back on James’ bed. His covers bunched up at the end of his bed, and his curtains hung loose with their ropes barely holding their knots. James stuffed the cloak back into his drawer, and dropped the book onto his trunk. He turned back to her and her grin. Lily’s dimples appeared with it.

“What’s Operation Bees?”

James shook his head, a smirk fighting its way onto his face. “Ask no questions and you shall receive no lies, Evans.”

The grin disappeared, and Head Girl Lily appeared. Head Girl Lily appeared too closely related to Displeased Lily. “Try not to get detention, prat.”

James grabbed her hand, and laced their fingers together. Lily shifted closer to him, squeezing his hand and smiling sweetly. Her eyes crinkled and James’ heart did a backflip. He took her other hand and buried his face in her shoulder, breathing in her scent. Lily always smelled sweet, like vanilla. It lingered in her hair, and the scent tickled James’ nose with the long, red strands. He nuzzled her.

“You’re gorgeous,” he told her, “I have to be the luckiest guy in the whole world.”

She kissed the top of his head, and he buried his face further into her neck. “I wish I could scream it out to the whole world.”

“You know why you can’t,” Lily whispered, wrapping an arm around his waist. James turned his head up to her, catching sight of her beautiful emerald eyes twinkling down at him. James pouted, their secret sagging on his shoulders.

“I know, I know. I’m just saying.” He pecked her cheek. “I’d run up to the top of the astronomy tower and scream out, ‘I LOVE LILY EVANS’! Because I do, Lily, I really love you. More than I’ve ever loved anyone before.”

She bit her lip. “You’d do that?”

James straightened up, and grabbed her face with both hands. He rested his hands against her cheeks, holding her like a precious bouquet. “I’d do anything if it was for you.”

Lily shook her head in belief, and kissed him. Against his lips, she whispered, “My idiot.”

 

~

 

It all started on a quiet Saturday afternoon. 

The two of them wrote up patrol schedules for the next month, and tended to paperwork in the Heads’ Office. They worked in silence for the most part, except when James moved certain prefects around for random conflicts (“Regulus doesn’t like Johnson, and Remus is mature enough to deal with Reg…” or “Remus can’t work with Snape, Evans, what in Godric’s good name are you thinking?”). Quidditch trials weren’t due for another week, and their classes were relatively light, but James argued the lull in activities wouldn’t last forever. He took great care in it, while Lily scribed his suggestions and organised them into manageable timetables. Their quills scratched against the parchment. He was surprisingly good at this stuff, despite never having done it before. Lily hazarded a guess and thought it was because of his captaincy, but he just seemed to have a knack for leadership.

Lily stole glances of James from behind her hair. His brow furrowed as he concentrated, and his glasses would slip down his nose when he leaned closer to the desk. He’d push them up with a knuckle while he wrote notes. Lily stared so long a drop of ink smudged the detention forms she signed off before filing them appropriately.

Lily wasn’t really sure how she came to like him. It just dawned on her during the Quidditch final at the end of sixth year, rather than developed in her sight. If she had any control over her own fate, she would have snipped it right at the bud — but James Potter didn’t seem to abide by simple things such as the will of the universe. He was his own entity, that commanded his own attention and rules. 

James scored the last goal before the Gryffindor seeker caught the golden snitch, and his ecstatic yelling fuelled the Gryffindor stands. He zipped over to Liams and slapped him hard on the back, and hyped up the entire side. James led the team around the pitch, doing tricks on his broom and fist pumping victoriously. He showboated, but something about it wasn’t out of place. Lily watched the team zoom around until they all reached the front of the Gryffindor stands. Starting from James, the team all raised their fists towards the Gryffindor cohort and gave a bow towards them.

Lily ignored thoughts about how good James looked when he played Quidditch for two years. The size of his head completely overruled it, but now Lily couldn’t stop herself from noticing. His hair stuck up unnaturally, even though sweat dripped off his skin. His dark skin flushed, and the grin on his face couldn't be wiped off. His maroon and gold robes clung against his toned body, and his fingerless dragon-hide gloves accented his long fingers.

James flew closer to the stands, where Peter and Remus sat two rows in front of Lily. Sirius flew over beside him, exclaiming something or rather about the gameplay and the slippery Slytherins they versed. He seemed very pleased to have beaten his brother, if his  _ fuck you, Reg _ ’s were anything to go off. Lily watched James as he laughed along with his friends, his chest puffed out in pride. He slung his arm around Sirius’ shoulder, and he nodded along animatedly with Remus and Peter. Lily found herself smiling without really knowing why.

James seemed to notice her hair in the crowd and beamed at her. “Alright there, Evans?”

She nodded and he went back to his friends. Lily’s heart hammered in her chest, and it did so until James approached her during the afterparty. It went from a consistent hammering to a symphony in her chest.

“You like the match?”

“You outplayed yourselves, Potter,” she complimented, “It was fantastic. Congratulations on your win.”

James shifted, and smiled at her again. It was the same smile from the Quidditch pitch — the one that made his dimples appear in his cheeks, and his eyes sparkle. “I’m glad you came. Really, really glad.”

Lily smirked. “I couldn’t miss the chance to see the Black family rivalry, could I?”

James laughed, but his smile dimmed a little. Lily furrowed her brows, before she realised what was wrong. “You’re not fishing for compliments, are you Potter?”

James scoffed, “No! Absolutely not, I would never!” He scuffed his shoe against the carpet. “Well! I better go, do the rounds and all.”

He started to stride away from her, but his name leapt from Lily’s throat before she could stop it, “Potter!”

He stopped, and turned towards her. Lily took a deep breath. “You played phenomenally. You got points I didn’t think anyone could, lead the team really well, and your ability to keep morale high was amazing. It was really exciting to watch.”

James gaped at her, blood rushing to his face. Within seconds, his face flowered a colour akin to a tomato, and buried his face in his hands. He approached her again, peeking out from behind his hands, and rolled back on his feet.

“Potter?”

“Thank you, Lily.” James paused. “I’ve gotta go.”

James sprinted off in Sirius’ direction, and Lily just let him go. Her face scorched as hot as his looked, and with horror she realised something she would never admit.

Lily Evans liked James Potter.

Of course, that was months ago. Lily shook her head, and flipped over to the next form. She frowned when James’ name printed in Professor McGonagall’s hand appeared on one of the forms. Her eyes jumped down to the reason, and she snorted rather loudly at the Professor’s comments.

_ Mr. Potter, despite showing an aptitude for human transfiguration and the skills required, has a difficult time exercising caution and common sense outside the classroom. This was shown when he transfigured Mr. Sirius Black’s fingers into long blades to mimic a ‘muggle comic book character’. Despite Mr. Black’s obvious enjoyment of the situation once he realised what had happened, he was initially caught off guard and caused serious damage to one of the couches in the Gryffindor common room. _

James looked up at her with his brows furrowed. She passed the note over, and James laughed loud and open. That was one thing Lily noticed about James — he never did anything unless his whole heart was in it. Lily’s heart fluttered as James handed her back the note.

“You turned Sirius into Wolverine?”

James nodded. “He’s always doing superhero poses so I thought I’d give him something to show off for once. He loved it.”

“After he stopped cacking himself?”

James smiled at her. “You get it.”

They lulled back into silence, but Lily couldn’t help but steal more glances.

Ten more minutes passed before James caught her. Or at least, until he verbalised his knowledge.

“Am I that interesting, Evans?”

Lily scowled at him, and pointedly avoided his gaze. But James was nothing if not persistent. He tickled her arm with his quill, which made her jump. The hairs on the back of her neck stuck up. Lily narrowed her eyes, but didn’t make a move when James stood up and swung his chair over to where she sat.

He sat facing her, one of his legs tucked under the other, making him even taller. James leaned against the desk, his entire upper arm resting on the wood, bending over to play with his messy hair. His hazel eyes were painted like autumn, streaked with brown, orange and green. They always held a confident glint, like he knew he was right (and James Potter was almost always right — it was one of his more infuriating qualities).

“Is there something wrong, Evans?”

Lily opened her mouth, then closed it again, shaking her head. She didn’t want to admit anything to James, despite the fact her cheeks were undoubtedly becoming red and splotchy. It was the kind of heat that made her want to squeeze her eyes shut, curl into a little ball and hide her face from the world. Lily shut her eyes, and tried to ignore James Potter’s presence.

“Lily? Are you okay?”

Lily took a deep breath, slowly nodding. “I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Mhm-hm?”

“Do you need something?”

Lily bit her lip, and shook her head. “I’m fine, James.”

“James?” he asked with an amused tone, “Now I know there’s something up. What is it?”

“Nothing.”

Lily opened her eyes. James hadn’t moved, and sat quiet for a moment before he took the quill from Lily’s hand and rested it in her inkwell. Their skin brushed together and Lily’s body shivered like she stepped onto the Quidditch pitch in winter without a cloak.

“Actually,” Lily started, and James turned his attention back to her, “I have a question.”

“Go for it.”

“Why were you so… insistent? About going out with me, that is.”

James almost laughed, responding with an unattractive snort. “That’s a bit… unexpected, I guess. Thinking about me that much, huh?”

“It’s just never made any sense to me,” Lily admitted, and James cocked his head to the side. “You have swarms of girls after you, and you definitely noticed them if your showing off was anything to go by. But yet, you only seemed to fancy me. Why?”

James sat quiet. A cloud went over the sun, creating a shadow on the side of his face. He then straightened his back, and shrugged. His tie hung against his chest, lopsided. “I only ever loved you. But… I got my head out of my arse and realised you didn’t fancy me back, so I stopped.”

Lily was silent.  _ Loved? _ She cast her eyes down to her lap, and took a deep breath. “Oh.”

“I know I was a right wanker, so I’ll leave you alone.”

James moved back, and the two tried to work on their tasks. The air around them turned stagnant, the shuffling of his feet lingering around them. Lily cringed. Her mind wouldn’t let her concentrate, replaying that word over and over in her head.  _ Love, love, love.  _ It echoed against her skull, ricocheting down to her chest and to her stomach and her knees. Her fingers shook as she tried to continue signing detention slips. Lily stole another look at James, with his clenched shoulders and tense fingers.

Before Lily could stop herself, she murmured, “What if I fancy you back?”

James’ head snapped up, “What did you say?”

“What… if I fancy you?”

James gaped at her, “What?” He looked far younger than Lily had seen him in a long time. Both eyebrows were raised and his eyes were as wide as a clockface. His mouth formed a small ‘o’. “Are you for real?”

Lily pushed herself up, took a few shaky steps around the desk, and tilted his chin up with her index finger. He looked up at her in wonder, before sense hit him like a train and he stood to his full height rather quickly. James looked down at her, and for a moment the two of them were unsure where to go.

Then, James said, “Can I— can I kiss you?”

And that was that.

 

~

 

James teased her terribly.

It was like he  _ wanted _ to get them caught. Lily knew his carefree attitude would play some part in their relationship, for it was that attitude that meant his strengths would stand out, but it was becoming borderline reckless. His ‘go out with me, Evans’ speeches grew more graphic with each passing day, and increasingly more stupid. They grew much more sexual, and even though Lily knew he would pull through on his promises, she couldn’t help but scowl at him. However, she could see the appeal of it.

That morning Lily decided she wanted to play ball.

It was Monday morning, and the Great Hall bounced with chatting, laughter, and utensils against plates. The Gryffindor table was always at its quietest in the mornings, with the Marauders quieting right down. Mondays worsened it, with the dregs of the weekend still sitting in their minds. That didn’t stop James with his daily speech, although it was much more subdued than usual. Today was perfect.

“Oh, my dear Evans!” he sung, and when Lily looked up, she saw his shit-eating, but loving, grin. His eyes burned like a puppy in love, his hazel eyes seeming more brown than blue. Behind him, Sirius, Remus and Peter sniggered amongst themselves. 

“Potter,” she greeted amicably, “Is there something you need?”

James swung a leg over the bench, and lent his elbows on the table. He dodged a fork and Marlene McKinnon’s eye roll expertly. “I have a question for you, Evans.”

Lily took an exaggerated breath, setting down her fork with bacon still attached to it, and waved a hand. “Get on with it.”

“I was wondering if you wanted to go out with me, Evans. Our babies would be the cutest little things.”

Lily made a disgusted face, her nose wrinkling and lips pursing. Sirius choked on pumpkin juice behind James. Lily heard him whisper, “Prongs is an idiot, but I didn’t think he had a death wish.”

James had that awful grin on his face, and Lily wanted so desperately to wipe it off. She sweetened her voice, pitching it up, and said, “Of course, James! After all, I’ve been harbouring secret feelings for you since birth. I love you so, so, so much!”

James gaped at her, and Lily smiled, “That’s what you wanted to hear, right?”

James recomposed himself, and Lily continued, “I wouldn’t go out with you even if you screamed ‘I LOVE LILY EVANS’ from the astronomy tower, though you’re welcome to try. It’d be funny watching you do it, once I got over my pain.”

James fought back a grin. “You’re gonna eat your words, Evans.”

“I look forward to it.”

James slid down, and Lily turned her attention back to her plate. She winked at Marlene on her right and took a triumphant bite of her breakfast. Marlene pushed her long, black hair behind her ear and gave Lily an incredulous look.

“What the bloody hell was that on about?”

Mary MacDonald, sitting opposite Marlene, pointed a fork at Lily. “That was weird, that’s what that was. But it was kinda cute.”

Marlene took one look of Mary’s uneven blonde pigtails, deep eye bags, and poorly tied tie and wrote her off. Marlene’s palm held her chubby left cheek, and her thin eyes narrowed even further. “Why were you flirting with James Potter?”

Dorcas Meadowes was minding her own business but obviously found it quite amusing. She tied her afro into space buns on the top of her head, her dark eyes twinkling. She came to Lily’s defence, “Because did you see his face? Classic. Just leave her alone, Marlene.”

Lily gave Dorcas a grateful look, and Dorcas winked.

Marlene harrumphed, frowning. “You’re playing with him, and it’s weird.”

Lily casted her eyes down, and started shovelling food in her mouth. A wave of nausea hit her, so she did her best to drown it before it resulted in her spilling her guts. Lily hated lying to her friends, but one quick glance of James and the Slytherin table quickly justified their plans. 

“Mail’s here,” Mary announced, nodding towards the owls. They swooped down to the tables, with packages and letters attached to their feet. Lily’s barn owl, Talon, dropped a  _ Daily Prophet _ and two letters beside Lily’s breakfast. She ran her index finger along his head, thanking him and paying for her Prophet. Talon flew off, and Lily flipped through her letters first. Dorcas grabbed Lily’s Prophet and untied it, folding it open.

 

_ Dear Lily Flower, _

_ Your father and I are greatly amused by your last letter. Those boys must be quite the jokers - especially Potter. Dancing cauldrons are certainly a way to spice up an evening. _

_ Tom Baker’s Doctor is as amazing as he has always been. You are really missing out - I hope there are reruns on during Christmas. Your father wants me to knit you his scarf but I really don’t feel like I have the skills to do so. It’s a very particular scarf and I’d want nothing but the best for you. I also fear that it would make you stand out more than you already do. _

_ Love, _

_ Mum x _

_ P.S. We met your sister’s boyfriend this past weekend. Was an interesting event, will mail you the full story soon. _

 

_ Lily, _

_ Your sister’s boyfriend is… well, that sure is a topic. They’re still here right now, so I can’t accurately portray my feelings towards him in a single letter without making it obvious that I am going through many emotions. So long as she’s happy I can live with it, but I didn’t know it was possible to talk about drills for three hours. Your stories are all that are keeping me going right now, do send some more. Very droll. _

_ And Lily, do tell me — is there something between you and Potter? You speak very fondly of him as of late, and I’m rather curious. He sounds like a good match for you — gets you all fired up. I love that for you. _

_ With love, hugs, and kisses, _

_ Your father. _

_ PS. I think Vernon will propose soon. Keep your eyes open for that. And your magical liquor. _

 

Lily grinned from ear to ear, and slid them into her book bag. Dorcas handed the Prophet to Lily, a grim expression on her face. Instantly Lily’s smile died, the light in her eyes fading. The front cover depicted a giant photograph on the front, black and white but just as terrifying. Stars burned brightly against the page, but they were drowned out by the great skull and snake building itself above the city.

 

**14 MUGGLES KILLED IN ATTACK,**

**DARK MARK FOUND IN MUGGLE MANCHESTER**

 

Lily didn’t have the strength to read the rest. Her hands shook as she fixated on the moving picture. It took over the entire night sky, looming against the yellowing parchment. The pages behind the Dark Mark begged to be read (with a list of the deceased likely on the next page), but Lily simply couldn’t. Their names would disappear to time, but Lily couldn’t bring herself to know them. Those fourteen innocent people died because of the ignorance of others, and it made Lily’s blood boil. She angrily rolled up the newspaper up and shoved it into her bag, before stabbing at her eggs. The plated metal scraped angrily together, creating awful screeches. The yolk burst and soaked her toast.

“Lily?” Mary hesitated, “We’re going to head to class, okay? Be careful.”

Lily looked up at Mary, and nodded, never stopping stabbing her eggs. They painted fragments, tiny pieces of white against her plate like shards of glass. The other girls exchanged worried looks before leaving, waving Lily goodbye. Fleetingly, Lily looked over to where James sat, and saw the boys staring at her. They all looked wary, their eyes flickering between one another with some sort of unspoken language. Before long, they all fixated on her again.

“What?” Lily demanded.

Remus, with his messy curls and kind, pale green eyes, motioned the others to shuffle closer. They all did so unison, and once again James sat directly in front of Lily. James’ glasses sat much lower on his long, straight nose than they should have been, and his tie hung quite loose around his neck (in fact, Lily would debate whether he was even wearing it acceptably at all). He looked as though he just rolled out of bed, much like Remus and Peter. Remus looked dead on his feet, with his skin more gaunt than usual, and his eyes more hollow. The long scars across his face appeared deeper than usual. Peter looked somewhere between stressed and exhausted, with his blonde hair sticking up in the back and cheeks flushed. Sirius carried himself with the handsome ease he always did, with not a single strand of hair out of place, and his high cheekbones blossomed with health. All of their robes hung off them without a thought, and the fire lit up in Lily’s stomach. She would never get used to her robes — they would always somehow sit wrong, or Lily would stumble when she tried to stand up while wearing them. It was just another divide.

“Do none of you have class?” she asked, and they all shrugged.

“Sirius, Remus and I have Creatures, but Kettleburn’ll get over it,” Peter told her, and Lily shook her head. They held too much arrogance about their education — especially in their NEWT years.

“Go to class.”

Sirius, who sat beside Lily, nudged her slightly. She turned to him, and his stony expression. Behind his dark waves, his striking grey eyes watched her carefully. “You’re stabbing your eggs harder than Remus on one of his off days. You can’t say you’re fine, Evans.”

“Ignoring the blatant swipe at me, we also don’t think you should be alone.”

“You’re a hivemind now?” Lily asked, “Do you collectively share brain cells as well?”

The four Maruaders exchanged a look. Lily frowned, disliking being the topic of their silent conversation, “I’ll be fine. I’m a big girl and I can handle being alone and being upset. Go to class you three.”

James spoke up, “I don’t have class ‘til second period. That’s charms, and we’re all in there.”

Peter gave him an incredulous look, leaning closer to James and whispering, “You’re off your rocker, Prongs.”

James elbowed Peter, and Lily rolled her eyes. James raised his eyebrows, a shy grin on his face. Lily stared at him, fist still clenched around her fork, and nodded slowly. It would be a good chance to talk about her issues, and let off some steam. Plus, Lily didn’t think she could last until their patrol before properly talking to James. Sirius, Remus and Peter all exchanged a curious look after she agreed, before conceding. Lily noticed their questions lingering on their faces, but if they were pressing, none of them mentioned them.

“Bring this hooligan to Charms in decent shape, yeah Evans?” Sirius teased, bumping her shoulder and standing up. Remus and Peter followed along with similar sentiments, which left James protesting, and ran off to class. James shifted in his seat, watching Lily closely, and she raised an eyebrow.

“What?”

“Are you alright?”

Lily slumped, her eyes darting to the Prophet. “What do you think?” It came out harsher than she intended.

“Are you gonna finish your breakfast?” Lily swirled her fork around the sea created, and shook her head. “Do you want to go somewhere?”

Lily leaned forward, and whispered, “Your dorm.”

“I’ll meet you there in ten, then, Evans.”

James swung his legs over the bench, and stood up. Lily blurted out, “James.”

“Hm?”

“I really need to talk to you. Really badly.”

James had an unreadable emotion in his eye, and nodded. “Ten minutes.”


	2. i wanna tell them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets, compatibility and a little bit of doubt. The war will weaken even the strongest of people, and strengthen even the weakest. What's a little lie when you can be safe forever?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter includes some discussion of the war, lying, and discussions of death. it also contains some potterverse trivia, and likely incorrect discussions of numerology in relation to arithmancy. check out this awesome [resource]() where i developed my results. if the numerological assumptions i made were wrong, frankly... i don't care enough to change them.
> 
> let's get onto chapter two!

James had to sit Lily down ten minutes into her venting because her entire body shook uncontrollably.

She burst into his dorm with fury in her heart and poison on her tongue, lashing out at the wizarding world at every opportunity. Lily’s anger turned from wizards and witches to blood purity to Voldemort at a rapid speed, giving James whiplash. He followed along with her the best he could, but there was only so much James knew how to respond to, or could truly empathise with. Her cheeks flushed an angry red, and her mouth pulled into a deep grimace when she paused for a breath. Her chest rose and fell like a panting dog’s, her breathing ragged and throat croaking. She shook with pure fury, unrivalled by anything James had ever seen (James fleetingly wondered if he looked this angry with Sirius after The Prank).

His parents taught James about his privilege when he was quite young, and the reality of his status as a pureblood wizard as something that could be abused with great ease. Fleamont and Euphemia Potter jammed blood equality into his head young, but James quickly discovered he really didn’t understand the lengths his privilege truly went to. There were things Lily took issue with that James never even considered, and things James himself did that he didn’t even realise were issues. Listening to Lily was always enlightening, but she got extremely worked up.

James thought back to their fifth year, when Snivellus called her that foul, derogatory word just after she just defended him (from, well, James himself). She turned on him without a second thought, but James knew deep down doing so hurt her irrevocably. She paced the common room exactly as she did the dormitory now, and when Mary MacDonald told her Snape lurked outside the common room she went on a rant as explosive as now. James sensed the tears coming soon.

“Lils,” James approached her, keeping his stance as non-offensive as possible. Lily stomped up and back the dorm room, dodging the books and trinkets left around the four boys’ beds. Her face shone bright red and her entire body trembled. The Daily Prophet faced upwards on Peter’s bed. “Lils, why don’t you sit down?”

She whipped around, her ponytail swinging around and hitting her face. It only made her look angrier. “Sit down? I can’t bloody well sit down, I’m furious!”

James, not quite seeing the correlation, backed off. He sat down gingerly, patting the space beside him on his properly made bed and waited. Lily wasn’t even speaking anymore, she just walked a road into his dormitory floor. Lily had to have lifted some of the varnish off the wood by now. Her shoulders were tight, and her grip on her wand worried James. He could picture sparks flying from it. Her mouth still moved, but she could only make angry sounds.

“If you can’t sit down, can you pocket your wand? Accidentally setting the dorm on fire won’t be good for any of us.”

Lily tried to shove it in her robes, but missed. She stabbed it angrily, the long, pale wood not slotting perfectly into its designated pocket. She cried out in frustration, her voice taking a hysterical edge. James approached her warily, and took her hands. With one hand over hers, he guided the wand into the hole. Her hand trembled under his, and all at once Lily unravelled.

She leaned against James, resting her head against his chest. She let out a shuddering breath, and before James could catch her, she collapsed. Lily wracked with sobs, her shoulders shaking and chest heaving with her gasping breaths. James dropped to the ground, kneeling against the floor and collecting Lily in his arms, resting her head against his shoulder. He held her head still, his other arm wrapped securely around her waist. James whispered small comforts to her, but he knew that they meant nothing to her when the entire world seemed against her existence. Lily clawed at his back, desperately trying to hold onto all of him. In that moment James knew she would be too painful to lose.

The death toll grew every day. A forest was lost to the lists provided by the Prophet, and it would only get worse. You-Know-Who’s forces were growing stronger, and the energy in the wizarding world had grown dark once again. Just this past summer he overheard his parents discussing You-Know-Who in the dark of night. It wasn’t even just muggles, either, but muggleborns, half-bloods, part-humans… blood traitors. The Potters weren’t even safe, despite being pureblood themselves. They weren’t pureblood enough for Lord Voldemort, and the thought terrified James.

A darkness hung over them. It followed James around, he thought. Even the brightest days of the year were overcast, with a dark cloud looming in his peripherals. Children didn’t play in their yards anymore, and underage witches and wizards travelled in packs, their hands in their pockets and eyes darting behind them regularly. No one could leave their homes without checking over their shoulders. Godric’s Hollow could be a ghost town, even in the busiest times of the year.

Lily shifted her head, her wet cheeks brushing against James’ neck. James brushed her hair back and kissed her temple tenderly. Her sobs subsiding, Lily pushed away from James, but kept her arms around his torso. James reached for her cheeks tentatively, wiping away her tear streaks with his thumb. He stroked her left cheek with his thumb. The small contact was enough.

“I’m terrified,” she confided, her voice little more than a whisper. It shattered the fantasy the two of them lived in. The creaking of the castle, the magic in their veins and childishness in their hearts enveloped the room. Their blood seeped into their eyes.

They could both die.

James bit his lip, not sure how to respond. He thought his heart should be hammering, but it sat dangerously still. It was stuck in his chest, hiding behind his ribcage.  _ Bum. Bum. Bum. _ In his head, James knew this fate was inevitable. His parents didn’t like to hide things, and he knew enough of Sirius and Remus’ worries to know the dangers that the wizarding world faced after leaving school. The wizarding world was being rocked yet again, and the war was worsening. Lily had every right to be afraid.

Yet, when he was with her, James thought he could live forever.

“I know,” whispered James.

“I don’t want you to get hurt because of me.”

James gave her a bitter smile. “I’m a blood traitor, I could get hurt either way, Lily. That doesn’t mean I’m afraid of being with you.”

Lily was affronted at the accusation. “I’m not afraid of being with you!”

James stared at her, dropping his hand to his lap. He slid his legs out from under him and sat on the cool floor. Lily pulled away from him, her hands up like she wanted to touch him. The floor suddenly became fascinating to him, with its veins and shiny exterior. Every one of Lily’s offhanded comments, her fearful expression and her initial apprehension came to the front of his mind.

He wasn’t hurt when she asked it of him the night she confessed. 

An attack on Northampton was reported in the Prophet that morning — Alicia Stone’s family were attacked after they received some chocolate frogs from their daughter. The muggleborn fourth year was distraught when her black envelopes arrived, so much so that Professor Sprout escorted her out of the Great Hall. Her wailing could be heard for a while afterwards, and with the Slytherin’s sniggering it did not bode well for any of them. The Hufflepuff house grew closer afterwards, turning their backs on the other houses in favour for their own ranks. The Gryffindors and Ravenclaws followed suit.

James and Lily snuggled together on the leather couch in the Head’s Office, bags and quills abandoned at their grand mahogany desks. Pink light shone through the window, creating grand shadows against their faces. Lily played with James’ fingers, before she turned her head suddenly and said, “We should keep this a secret.”

“We— what? Why?”

“Well,” Lily started, sitting up straight and turning to face him. She sniffed, her button nose scrunching up. “This is all very new, and it’s very shocking. And… it’s not safe anymore, is it?”

James frowned, “It’s not safe?”

Lily furrowed her soft brows. “You know, with the war.”

“What, you think the Slytherins are gonna write home about us?”

“My problem is what if they  _ do _ ,” Lily argued, “And I just— I don’t want either of us to get hurt, alright? Or our families. Or friends.”

James took a deep breath. In his opinion, the Slytherins would be idiots if they went after the other three just because he dated Lily. But, the more James thought about it the more unsettled his stomach felt. He still didn’t like it, though. “I don’t wanna keep it from Sirius. Remus and Peter, too, but particularly Sirius. I don’t like keeping secrets from them, Evans.”

Lily pleaded with him, “Just for now.”

James did his best to notice the patterns in the wood a month and a half later. They ran in horizontal lines and had deep scratches in them from years of curses and magical experimentation. The patterns wouldn’t be etched into the wood unless they were beyond the skills of the house elves. On one of them, James spotted scratches from when he transformed for the first time. He hadn’t reacted well to his hoofs and acted like he had a dancing jinx place upon him (Sirius, to this day, still finds it hilarious). Lily reached forward and poked James’ hand.

“You know I’m not afraid of  _ you _ , right?”

James shrugged petulantly. “I don’t like hiding things. I don’t like hiding you, or us.”

“I don’t want you to think you’re hiding me. We’re just trying to protect ourselves!”

“Sounds the same to me.”

“Does it now? What are you thinking, then?”

James drew his strength. “Are we supposed to keep this a secret until You-Know-Who has been defeated? Are we supposed to sneak around and spend moments together in the shadows while this war rages on? I feel like a bloody coward, and I shouldn’t feel like that!”

“But you know why we—”

“I know! But it still feels bloody cowardly, Lily! If you take the Prophet’s word for everything we’d be fucked anyway!”

“—But I don’t feel safe if—”

“Do you honestly feel safer like this?” James asked, and Lily frowned.

“I do.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

The two reached a stalemate, glaring at each other with the same fiery intensity. Lily wasn’t pouting, and her eyes brimmed red. James’ shirt still had wet patches where she cried on him. They sat on the floor like bratty kindergarteners, just looking at each other. Behind Lily the Prophet article still screamed out You-Know-Who’s symbol.

Lily opened her mouth first, her eyes softening. Her stern expression crumpled, and James fell at the same time. “I’m sorry. I know you hate keeping secrets from your friends. I don’t like it either. I just… I couldn’t live with myself if you got hurt because of me. Or if anyone else got hurt, either. My parents, Tuney, your parents...”

“I heard my parents talking about their wills this summer,” James revealed, his mouth turning dry. His voice lacked its usual rhythm, slipping into a Binns-esque monotony that he knew Lily wasn’t used to. James’ voice only ever acted this way with Sirius, and only ever when James talked about his parents. He physically deflated, his shoulders slumping and head bowing.

“James…”

“They’re getting on a bit, but it’s… something my dad said really stuck with me,” he dared to flick his eyes up to Lily. Her eyes held a striking intensity, their green burning against her pale skin. The redness in her face became a splotchy pink. James pulled off and fiddled with the arms of his glasses. His vision blurred, but Lily’s vibrance stood out to him. “He said he didn’t want to cower in the shadows. If these next few hours, days, years are to be their last, then he said he wanted to live them happily and to their fullest.”

“There’s courage in hiding when doing otherwise is reckless,” Lily pointed out, and James waved his hands in frustration.

“Living is reckless in war, Lily!” James snapped.

She didn’t have a response to that, and James began to regret his tone.

“Sorry. I’m sorry for raising my voice. We shouldn’t fight.”

Lily took his hands, and pulled them into her lap. They were small and thin, but they were soft and when her fingers touched James’ skin they warmed his aching heart. She squeezed them, and said, “I know we can get hurt either way. Painfully so. I’m muggleborn, and to so many witches and wizards I have no place in this world. I may as well be a stick on the ground with the amount of worth they place on me. And you’re a blood traitor, a muggle-sympathiser who always wants to fight for what is good and just.”

“I understand why you want us to be a secret…”

“But you don’t agree with it?” Lily finished, and James nodded.

“It makes me feel like I’m running away when I want to stand here and fight.”

“That attitude will get you killed.”

James laughed weakly, “If McGonagall doesn’t get there first.”

Lily poked him with her foot. “Don’t say things like that.”

“You’re right, she loves me.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

A crooked smile worked its way onto James’ lips. “I know. I just don’t know how to deal with this. It’s like I want to crack jokes and run away from it, but I know I can’t.”

Lily nodded, inching closer to him. “It’s easier to pretend that the war isn’t going on, but it’s so real. We can’t escape.”

“Especially since we’re graduating soon,” James agreed, “Sirius and I might be sent recruitment stuff…”

“What?” Lily stiffened.

“Mum was talking about it over the break,” James explained, “Apparently some purebloods are being sent recruitment letters for You-Know-Who’s cause. Sirius is sacred twenty-eight so he’s definitely going to be sent one, even though he ran away from it all, and the Potters are a pretty old family too. It’s… pretty scary.”

“You wouldn’t…”   


“No!” James yelled, “And Sirius wouldn’t either. We both  _ hate _ dark magic. And Sirius would never be like those nutters he used to live with. Ever. He’d rather die.”

“Alright,” Lily whispered, “I’m sorry for doubting you.”

James squeezed her hand, giving her a tiny smile.

“I don’t want to keep secrets from you, James,” Lily admitted, leaning against him. She rested her head on his shoulder, her red hair tumbling over it. “I don’t want to keep my worries and fears from you, but I also don’t want to keep my joys and loves from you, either.”

James rested his hair on hers, their hair mingling together. “I don’t want to keep any of my secrets from you, either.”

“So that’s it, then. No more secrets?” Lily said, holding up her pinky. James stared at it.

“No more secrets?” Lily repeated, and James couldn’t help the shame pooling in his gut when he agreed.

“No more secrets.”

Tomorrow’s full moon shone bright in his mind when they linked fingers.

 

~

 

James was distracted for the rest of the day. In Charms he blundered an easy, second-year spell he should have been able to do in his sleep, and Potions was a disaster he didn’t even want to get into. James hadn’t seen Slughorn so disappointed as when James revealed his father didn’t do much potioneering anymore. A small tut from Slughorn, followed by immediate praise of Lily made him feel ten times worse. James then almost tripped into the trick stair on the way back up to the dorm after dinner, and when he saw Lily he nearly walked into a wall. James was certain Sirius noticed his scatter-mindedness too — and at this time of the month, that was a huge ordeal. The four Marauders retired to their dorms, with all but James changing into their pajamas. 

James watched the map behind his knees, with Professor Dumbledore pacing backwards and forwards in his office. Accompanying Dumbledore was someone named Caradoc Dearborn who had been still the entire time. James watched their names in a trance, imagining what they were talking about. It had to be something Ministry related, or maybe Caradoc was a part of the resistance efforts against You-Know-Who?

“Did you lot hear about Amarillo Lestoat?” Sirius asked as he completed his Defence essay. He twirled his wand about behind his head, and all James could see was the back of his head, and the bun he threw his hair into haphazardly. Strands were falling out back down to his shoulder, covering some of his  _ Queen _ tour shirt.

“That vampire bloke? Who wrote that one book?” Peter asked. He was sorting through his notes on his bed, dumping them all in different piles. Sirius snorted.

“Real specific, Pete.”

Remus, who had already curled up under his blanket and was reading a muggle fantasy book, said, “He wrote a book that is allegedly so boring that it made it easier for vampires drink from humans. What about him, Padfoot?”

“Carked it, can you believe? After all his hoo-ha about longevity and his bonkers cursed autobiography, he goes and just straight up carks it in the middle of NYC.”

Peter shook his head in disbelief, muttering, “Bloody yanks.”

“He was about 200, too. Bloke had to be barmy, didn’t he?”

“How d'ya mean?” Peter asked.

Sirius swivelled towards the group. He looked a bit weary. “Living for that long you’d have to be barmy, wouldn’t you? I mean, if I die—”

“If?” Remus interjected.

James mustered a weak reply, “If Sirius dies, it's gonna be young.”

“On that deathtrap of a motorcycle he’s built. Or by death eaters following him on that deathtrap motorcycle.”

“Excuse me,” Sirius’ London accent cut through them, “If I die I wouldn’t want it to be doing something as idiotic as that. ‘Sides, no death eater is gonna get their slimey mitts on me. I’m too punk rock.”

“If you say so,” Remus said, placing a bookmark inside and snapping his book shut. He chucked the book onto the rising pile of books surrounding his bed, and sat up. He drew the blanket up to his chin. “Prongs. You never did say, but what happened with Lily?”

Sirius rested his quill down, crossing his legs on the chair. “Yeah, you’ve been off since.”

Peter also stared at James, and James rested the map down. He shrugged, unsure what to tell them. “She’s really angry about the war and inequality and stuff, and she said she was scared. We started rowing after that, and that was that.”

“Rowing?” Remus asked for clarification, but James had no answers for him.

“Before I knew it we were arguing. About secrets and things.”

Remus instantly looked guilty, but James waved him off, “The attack just… it’s really real out there, isn’t it?”

Sirius frowned. “The war?” James hummed. “Did you not get that when we were attacked over the summer, Prongs?”

“I didn’t really think we’d be hurt, though. Those fourteen muggles were killed for no fucking reason!”

Peter shifted uncomfortably. The four of them fell into silence, the dark mark lingering in their minds.

Remus bit his lip. “You-Know-Who’s recruiting werewolves… Or at least that’s what the powers that be are saying. He’s seeking them out from the registry and during the full moon. I suspect Dumbledore is gonna want to talk to me about it at some point.”

“Shit, Moony,” Wormtail breathed, “Are you gonna be alright?”

“Dunno,” he admitted. “All I do know is that when I saw the booklist this year I felt ill. It just makes sense, you know? For them to be recruiting if shit like that is normal.”

“ _ Lupine Lawlessness _ ? This piece of dragon dung?” Peter asked, pulling his book out. Remus shuddered at the sight. Sirius was quick to come to Remus’ defence.

“Okay! Wormy, bringing that up is uncalled for! Topic change!” Sirius clapped his hands together, “I assume you didn’t get those charms done today, Prongs?” James shook his head no, and Sirius nodded. “Do we need to push Bees out ‘til next week, then?”

Remus sighed, “We’re gonna have to. I won’t be able to do the magic tomorrow without the prank going wrong somehow.”

Remus’ magic intensified with the full moon. Since he had become an adult, the other three Marauders noticed it weakening slightly, but it was still far too dangerous for them to risk. Operation Bees already had enough risk without amplified magic furthering it. The shame in James’ gut deepened.

“James?” Peter squeaked, and James looked at him out the corner of his eye. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

James flipped the map over to the Gryffindor tower, and the chaos that came with the dorms. A hundred tiny feet walked around the map with their name banners all colliding. The four of them were still in their dormitory, their names staring back up at them. To the right, a name approached them.

“Bollocks,” James swore, seeing Lily approaching their dorm, “Mischief managed.”

James tossed the map to Sirius, who hid it under his pillow. James grabbed a book again and pretended to read it. Lily knocked on the door, poking her head in. James dropped the book again and kicked his feet over the edge of his bed, his shoes colliding with the floor. “I’m comin’,” he said, heaving himself up. Sirius snorted, and James flipped him off.

“Evans,” Sirius called, and she straightened up, opening the door further. Sirius offered her a tiny smile, “You doing okay?”

Lily controlled her shock, before she shrugged. “Should I be?” she asked, but not unkindly. Sirius shrugged back, leaving her to make the next move. “I’m not, I don’t think. But thank you for asking, Sirius.”

“Anytime, Lils. If you wanna talk...”

Lily gave him a cheeky grin. “I’ll give Marlene an earful.”

James cut in, “Shall we?”

“Sure, Potter.”

Lily waved the other three boys goodbye, and James followed her out of the room. They both paused for a moment, exchanging a look. Lily offers James a half smile, and James does his best to respond. Lily takes two steps down before James grabs her hand, holding her fingers loosely. Lily’s eyes dart over her shoulder, and James laughed bitterly.

“I don’t think I’m alright, either.”

Lily stared at him, before squeezing his hand. “Then we’ll be not alright together.”

 

~

 

Remus was the first to shift, all but hobbling over to Sirius’ bed and assuming his same position in it. A chill ran over him and he huddled against the blanket for warmth. He felt feverish, as he always did, with a bead of sweat running down his forehead. Peter grabbed a damp blue washer and held it to Remus’ forehead. Sirius swivelled in his chair to face them.

“Are you doing alright, Moony?” he asked, and Remus nodded slowly. Peter kept the washer to his face.

“As alright as I usually am.” Remus sighed. “Better than James, weirdly.”

“Prongs has been off all day,” Peter agreed. He crossed his legs on Sirius’ bed, resting his head in his pudgy free hand. Peter combed his hair beforehand, and had his buttons done right up to his throat. Remus leaned against him, a seam in his socks not sitting right on his foot. “Do you think Evans said something really bad to him?”

“Wouldn’t he have told us about that if she did?” Sirius countered, “And besides, she seemed about as upset as he did.”

“He’s been acting weird all term,” Peter insisted, bouncing on the bed. Remus rested a hand on his knee to stop him.

Sirius pulled out his bun, and his hair tumbled down just past his shoulders. It was messier than usual, and Remus thought that he liked it better that way. Sirius ran his fingers through it as he thought, getting rid of the tangles and knots.

Peter suddenly squeaked, “Do you think he got…  _ the letter _ ?” he finished the sentence in a dramatic whisper, and Sirius and Remus both scoffed.

“He would tell us if he did!” Sirius exclaimed, shutting the idea down.

Peter frowned. “But what if he did and didn’t want to tell us…”

Remus took the washer from Peter and kept it against his own head, his eyes half open. “Prongs hates them, Pete. He’d be furious if he got one, and we all know it.”

Sirius frowned, “Wormy, didn’t you have to ask MacDonald about some divination crap?”

Peter cursed, “Thanks for reminding me!”

He grabbed his books and bolted down the stairs, leaving Sirius and Remus alone. Sirius hopped onto his bed, sitting on the other side of Remus. Remus assumed his position against Sirius. Sirius’ breathing was slow and calm, but his muscles were tense. Remus was kind of sweaty, but Sirius didn’t pay it any mind. Remus turned his head up and asked, “What’s wrong?”

“He’d tell us if he got a recruitment letter, right?” Sirius’ said in a small voice. Remus shrugged against him.

“I think so… would you?”

Sirius shrugged. “I think so. I know you wouldn’t.”

“Greyback is in those ranks, I’ve heard… I wouldn’t even think of joining, ever. It’s just wrong.”

“Remus?” Sirius asked, and Remus hummed in response. “Once you’re better we need to confront James, I think.”

“We can talk about this once I’m better… I’m feeling really sleepy.”

“Then sleep, Moony.”

“Here?” Remus asked in a mumble. Sirius relented, moving back to his essay. Remus laid his head against the pillow and shut his eyes. The washer was still on his forehead, wetting and darkening his sandy curls. A soft smile eased its way onto Sirius’ face.

“Sweet dreams, Remus.”

 

~

 

The next night Lily ducked her head into the Marauders’ dormitory. She needed to ask about the homework due the next morning for arithmancy, and the only other Gryffindor taking NEWT-level arithmancy was Sirius Black.

The two of them sat together in class for convenience’s sake, however they had never really become friends. There was just something comforting about Sirius’ presence. Perhaps it was her inner knowledge that Sirius wouldn’t let any harm come to her because of James, or because he was fiercely loyal and chivalrous, but Lily always felt safe around Sirius. She also knew that, in a class comprised mostly of Slytherins, Sirius considered her a rock of sorts. It all worked out in the end.

When Lily poked her head through, she saw three of the boys staring directly at her. Their backs were straight, uniforms perfect, and they put on their best wide-eyed, innocent faces, as if waiting to be caught. James looked up at her in fear, grinned for a split second, and looked back down at something in his lap. Peter tapped his leg as he read a magazine on his bed, and Sirius played a muggle record (it might have been  _ Deep Purple _ , but Lily wasn’t listening too closely), listening to the quiet music while wringing his hands together. Remus was wherever he went on full moons, Lily supposed.

“May I borrow Sirius for a moment?” she asked, and the boy in question looked shocked to hear his name. His hair was tied in a low ponytail, leaving very few strands around his face. It made his features smaller. He sauntered over to her, closing the door behind him. Lily cut right to the chase, “Have you done the compatibility work yet?”

Sirius nodded. “It was way easy, Evans. What’s up with yours?”

“I just— I took on family, and it’s not…”

Lily bit her lip, thinking back to her results. “Can you look over them for me?”

Sirius stared at her and the notes in her hand, and nodded. He waved her into the dormitory, sitting her down on his bed. Lily passed her notes over to Sirius with a shaking hand, showing her and Petunia’s compatibility. Her neat handwriting listed their three characteristics and her calculations, listing off what each number represented. However, her relationship analysis section sat there, blank. Sirius took one look at it and shrugged.

“What’s wrong with it?” he asked, and Lily stared at him.

“The results aren’t consistent with reality, and I don’t understand why.”

“Your numbers are fine, and your notes on the meanings are absolutely spot on. I’m not seeing the problem.”

Lily shuffled through them, pointing to the familial section of her notes. She played with the band her dainty silver watch, not looking up at Sirius. “The heart results don’t make sense with the reality of the situation. We’re both sixes, and it implies strength and harmony and sisterhood. It doesn’t make sense.”

Sirius pointed to two lines in the textbook, which read:

 

_ All sibling relationships that result in two sixes in their heart results need to rely on the social results for an accurate read. Pairing the social results with character results will show the true nature of the relationship, whereas the heart results show what it once was. _

 

Lily frowned. “That doesn’t make sense. Familial bonds require the heart bond, and the social relates to how others view their relationship.”

“Familial bonds aren’t blood relations, Evans. This is arithmancy 101.”

“Arithmancy 101 tells us that familial bonds are just as strong.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Do you need me to show you the difference?” Lily nodded.

Sirius complied, pulling up his work for class and a clean bit of parchment. He scribed  _ Sirius and Regulus _ as the title, and quickly wrote down the values. Lily thought it interesting that he just  _ knew _ Regulus’ numerological values. Sirius bounced his leg up and down like a mosquito humming, and Lily noticed the slight shake in his handwriting on the parchment. It was very obvious against his elegant script on the other page. He wrote out their relationship calculations and began stepping Lily through his analysis.

“Our character results add to thirteen, meaning when we were young our relationship was solid and secure, but because of the characteristics of complacency and insecurity we fight now, causing a lot of tension. This leads to our heart, which is fundamentally similar but we both believe in our own causes more than each other. Because we don’t have two sixes for our heart, the social results become a lot more important…”

“You have a six in social…” Lily whispered, looking up at Sirius through her lashes. Sirius’ eyes turned distant.

“Ultimately we are brothers, and we’re damn similar. We both have threes making us an even bigger whole, but our pride and current tension causes us to not be as close.”

Lily nodded along. “So comparing with you and… Potter, I assume?”

Sirius grinned, his chest puffing out, “According to my calculations, we are platonic soulmates.”

James choked on the other side of the room, “You’re joking?”

Sirius laughed at him. “Two sevens mean instant best friends, a twelve creates wholeness and eleven is that we are well balances.”

“You two are fourteen, twelve, eleven?” Lily asked in astonishment, and Sirius nodded, pushing their charts towards her. “That’s life-long best friends… True soulmates...”

James hopped up and ran to Sirius, tackling him and hugging him tightly. Sirius screamed unflatteringly, and Lily shuffled back. James squeezed the life out of his best friend, exclaiming his affections towards Sirius rather openly. Sirius grinned at Lily over James’ shoulder. “Does that clear things up, Evans?”

Lily raised her eyebrows. “You haven’t actually explained anything.”

“You’re analysing it like a friendship bond, whereas it’s a sibling six bond. You’ll be surprised at the results.” Sirius’ eyes darted down to Lily’s watch, and he suddenly said, “See you, Evans.”

Lily’s jaw dropped. She felt like digging her heels in, but she began collecting her things, knowing she wasn’t wanted as James continued hugging Sirius and Peter tapped against the wall. She stood up with her things haphazard in her arms, and moved to the door. Lily looked over her shoulder one last time. James and Sirius had forgotten she was in their dorm room almost instantly, and started talking among themselves again..

“Thank Godric’s left nut she came now and not when we need to—”

“Goodnight, Evans!” Peter said loudly, causing both boys to jump. They looked at her in alarm, their eyes wide and their mouths parted. James jumped back to his own bed and gave her a wave, whilst Sirius jumped up and ushered her out of the room. He slammed the door shut in Lily’s face, and she sighed deeply.

James was keeping something big from her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's a wrap! i hope you enjoyed the chapter, it was really fun to write and to do the arithmancy stuff.
> 
> just as a general life note: work is really picking up so i have loads more hours, and university is starting again this week so my time to write will be limited a lot. i will still attempt to update every saturday, but if that's not an option i'll post an announcement on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/moonybyeol). i also post chapter previews and general harry potter/marauders content if you're interested!
> 
> thank you!


	3. up all night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James' love for his friends leaves him exhausted in a world that is unforgiving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warnings for: full moon, war discussions, pranks, slytherin-targeted hate and discussions of great expectations.

James, Sirius and Peter snuck down to the Hospital Wing as they always did after a night with Moony. They straightened out their uniforms and splashed their faces with freezing water before tiptoeing through the quiet castle. The other students were likely at breakfast, but the three of them had prepared the night before and had a few pastries in the dormitory before heading down to visit Remus. The door to the Hospital Wing creaked open. Madam Pomfrey stood by Remus’ hospital bed, expecting their presence. They had been doing it since second year now, and Madam Pomfrey knew to expect their usually noisey selves. She did her usual spiel about not disturbing Remus during this delicate time, letting him rest, and not jostling him too much. She eyed the three of their exhausted faces carefully, before disappearing into her office.

James supposed that she thought they were up all night worrying, especially because they knew (to an extent) just how harrowing the experience was for Remus. He could picture her envisioning the three of them huddled together with a distant howl causing them all to shiver.

Remus smiled weakly at them.

The only wound he had from the night was a long, thin series of scratches on his left arm that none of them could stop. It was bandaged up neatly, held together by a clasp that Remus was playing with. James, Sirius and Peter sat down around him, greeting him quietly. Remus showed off Madam Pomfrey’s handiwork, a dopey smile on his face. Madam Pomfrey must have given him a strong painkiller because he giggled when he asked what happened. The only other evidence of the full moon was his scratchy voice when he asked what happened.

Peter explained it quietly, resting sideways on his chair. Moony and Sirius were playing as they always did, with Peter sitting on James’ head a couple of metres away. They jumped around in circles in the leaves playfully, until Moony wanted to get rough. Sirius tried to back off but Moony lashed out, causing Sirius to run behind James. James scuffed a hoof in Moony’s direction, rustling the leaves in the forest, and Moony angrily started scratching his arm. Sirius jumped forward and tackled him, pleasing Moony greatly. They continued playing like normal until the sun was due to rise.

“I’ve got a pretty good amount of bruises on my ribs. We’ve numbed them, but you go hard, Moons.”

Remus frowned, his eyes sinking. He sagged even as he lay still. “Sorry…”

“Nah, it was good fun.”

“We had fun, Moony. We’re just glad you’re mostly alright.”

James sat silently and nodded in agreement. The bags under his eyes were darker than usual, and when he caught sight of himself in the mirror he looked flat and lifeless. He could hardly find a smile and glue it onto his face before he yawned loudly and strongly, his entire body shaking with the power behind it. His mind went to the patrols that night, and Quidditch practice the next. He was exhausted thinking about it.

“You good, Prongs?” Remus asked creakily, his brows furrowed. James nodded, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes.

“Tired…” he murmured, and the other three boys agreed.

“Madam Pomfrey will probably let me go at lunch.”

“Just in time for Transfiguration,” Peter grinned.

Remus seemed to remember something. “Prongs?” James hummed. “Can you take my runes notes in my book with my muggle pencils instead of on parchment today, please?”

“Alright,” James agreed, “No promises on the quality, though.”

Remus nodded in understanding. “Just flip through the book and you’ll see my system. Thank you.”

The bell chimed overhead, and the four of them scowled. Peter and James made their move, with Sirius not having class until second period. He stayed put, leaning over with his arms crossed, resting his head on the bed. Peter and James waved them goodbye, but Remus grabbed James’ wrist before he could leave. His grip was weak, but James turned around.

“Yeah, Remus?”

“Look after yourself, Prongs.”

 

~

 

James flipped through Remus’ muggle Ancient Runes notebook while waiting for Professor Babbling to rock up. Remus’ notes were immaculate as always, with labelled diagrams and easy explanations anyone and their dog could understand. He even colour coded his notes with muggle quills (Lily called them pens), which stood out against the clean, lined white paper. James grinned at Remus’ smart comments about the usages of runes in the margins, taking in his sarcasm in Remus’ absence.

Remus’ absence was the most notable for James in Ancient Runes. It was one of the few times (up until they were assigned patrols together) that the two got to spend time together alone. James always with Sirius, or Peter, or at Quidditch, or with all of them at once, but rarely was he alone with Remus. Remus knew how to make boring topics that Babbling just wanked on and on about sound fascinating, and he had a natural gift for introducing practicality in any subject. With Runes’ heavy theoretical base, and James’ habit of drifting off and not paying attention, Remus was a gift from Merlin himself.

James turned over to the most recently used page in the book, and saw the much lighter script written on it. He frowned and leaned closer, reading Remus’ printed writing.

_ James. _

_ This isn’t charmed so don’t bother trying to respond. I wrote this out knowing that we’d definitely need to talk about what’s going on soon. I’ll cut to the chase: we’re worried about you. I’m not writing to hurt you, or to guilt you into talking to the three of us, but I did think that this would be more non-confrontational than talking to you in person (and you know me, I will avoid getting in the middle of Sirius’ emotional tirades about family, brotherhood, and secrets). Besides, I know you wouldn’t end up doing anything in runes anyway — you’d be far too tired, wouldn’t you, Prongs? _

_ But of course, we are worried. You’ve been acting very unusual and subdued, so much so that Peter thought that something serious might have happened (don’t give me that look). I know what your parents told you really hurt, and that the risk of dragon pox is increasing as the days go on, but I don’t think that’s the only thing. I ask myself if it’s something I did, or Sirius, or Peter, or anyone else in the world, but nothing else really makes sense. It got worse after your row with Lily, so I then wondered if it was war related. _

_ Now, if it is war related, I want you to know you’re not alone if you’re frightened. We all are. The deaths are hitting closer and closer to home, and our statuses aren’t helping us. The war is on all of our minds. Now, this isn’t to frighten you, but the topic of letters has come up. Sirius is scared you’ve received one and haven’t told us (he’d kill me if I told you this, though, so keep that between us). I don’t think you have, but I’m also terrified of receiving one. I don’t know how I’d react if I got one — it seems almost unthinkable, but You-Know-Who has access to one of the people who know about Moony. It’s terrifying. The whole war is terrifying. I don’t know how we’re going to proceed, or how we’re going to win it, but I know we must. Too much hurt will be caused if we don’t fight. _

_ If it’s not the war, then I’m really not sure what it could be. Just know that we’re all thinking of you, and we all want what’s best for you. Nobody deserves happiness more than you, Prongs. You create so much of it on your own, and you are truly one of the best people any of us could ever know. You’re one of the most amazing friends I could ever ask for, and I truly love you (don’t roll your eyes, you tossbag — it’s true). _

_ If you feel comfortable talking about it, then please let us know, okay? We just want you to be okay. We love you, okay, Prongs? _

_ With affection and some internal cringing, _

_ Your friend _

_ Remus Lupin _

_ P.S. Don’t actually write notes in this book. Do it on some parchment and I’ll pretend to yell at you. I’ll actually yell at you if you write in here. You’ve been warned. _

 

James’ throat tightened, and with Remus’ pencil, he jotted down a message.

_ I love you too, Moony, you sap. Thank you. I’ll talk to you on our patrol. _

 

James hesitated, and then wrote another note.

 

_ Don’t tell Sirius just yet. I need to sort through my thoughts first. He’ll probably start taking the piss like the tosser he is (as much as I love him, we ALL know this is true), and I actually need someone to talk to (and vent to). _

 

~

 

Lily waited for James outside the Gryffindor common room for their patrol shift. The moonlight shone through the windows, not a single cloud in the sky. Stars twinkled above them, uncaring to the world they brightened. Lily always arrived five minutes early to their shift to ensure the last of the stragglers didn’t get caught outside unfairly, and that her and James could keep to their schedule. She was patient and fair to all of them, and refused to deduct points if a person is sprinting to the portrait just after curfew started. James usually arrived two minutes before their shift, but when the bell rang and James hadn’t appeared, Lily grew worried. She gave it another minute of waiting alone in the cold before venturing back through the portrait into the common room. 

James tumbled down the stairs as she entered, pulling his jumper over his head with great difficulty. Once his head popped out the top his black hair was even more dishevelled, and his glasses were askew. Lily grabbed his right arm and pulled him through the portrait. Once it shut, Lily fixed James’ glasses before glancing down at her watch.

“You’re late.”

James strode on ahead, and Lily jogged to catch up to him. For someone moving so fast, he could barely keep his eyes open, the hazel almost hidden by his long, dark lashes. He was unfocused and his head turned to look at this, that, and everything in between. Lily frowned when she noticed both his jumper and button-up hitched up at the back.

“James, please stop for a second.”

He did so without needing to be asked twice. He turned to face her, but Lily went to his back, tucking in his shirt and adjusting his jumper. He swayed slightly as he stood. Lily went back in front of him and rested her hands on his hips, steadying him. 

“Are you alright?” she asked, her voice soft. “Do you need to go to the Hospital Wing?”

James shook his head slowly, before yawning loudly. He covered his mouth with a fist. “‘m just tired, Lils.”

Lily frowned, inching closer to him. She wrapped her arms around his waist, looking up to his face. He smiled sleepily down at her, blinking rapidly. He leaned down, and Lily stood on her toes to give him a quick kiss. It was lazy and didn’t leave Lily feeling all that thrilled.

“You look three seconds from collapsing.”

“This isn’t my first bludger, Lily. I can handle some exhaustion.” James unravelled himself from her, “Let’s get this done so I can pass out, yeah?”

“Sure thing, Potter.”

The patrol was run of the mill, without nothing particularly standing out to either of them. They walked along the hallways as they always did, but their chatting was subdued by James’ periodic yawning and general lack of concentration. Lily could hardly get him to focus on a single topic before he started rambling about another. They jumped from the previous week, to Quidditch, to Lily Time, and all the way over to MACUSA’s latest foolish decision (James cursed out the regulations on potioneering researching, with various quotes from his father about the restriction of materials being detrimental to the discovery of cures and new solutions to old problems). His walk was more sluggish and his shoes dragged against the floor. James and Lily checked cupboards, study rooms and classrooms for students out of bed. Part of Lily still found it hilarious that James was one of the people to enforce these rules. They did find a pair of fifth year Ravenclaws snogging in one of the broom cupboards and sent them off to bed with detentions, but James didn’t put the fear of God in them when he warned them not to do it again.

They were nearly three quarters of the way through the patrol when they passed by Mrs. Norris, who hissed at James. James, being ever mature, hissed back at the cat. Lily repressed a snort as she dragged James away from his staring contest with the red eyed, matted cat. James’ pace quickened after that.

Lily asked, “Did you just not sleep well last night?”

James  appraised her for a moment before shrugging. “I didn’t sleep at all.”

“What?” Lily’s voice became shrill, “Why? Why on Earth not?”

“Dunno.”

Lily said the first thing that came to mind. “Liar.”

James stopped dead. Lily walked two steps in front and whipped around, holding her nerve. Her face hardened and she looked at him in accusation. “You promised no more secrets. Why are you lying?”

James tried to step past her, but Lily stopped in front of him. He tried the other side, but Lily was determined to find out what he was hiding. James’ previously weary face tightened, his eyes gaining an annoyed glint.

“James, that was such a cop-out answer. Tell me the truth.”

“No.”

“James,” Lily repeated, her voice taking an angrier tone.

“Lily, stop asking. Please.”

“You promised.”

James shut his eyes, and took a deep breath. A million thoughts seemed to whirl through his head in this moment. Lily held her ground, crossing her arms.

“Look,” James started, and Lily was not a fan of his tone. “It doesn’t matter.”

Lily’s jaw clenched for a moment, but she took a moment to calm herself down before speaking. “Lying by omission doesn’t make it better, Potter.”

James’ voice became icy. “Isn’t that what we do every day, Evans?”

“Because we have to!”

“No, it’s because you  _ think _ we have to!”

“I’m not having this argument again, James.”

“Sometimes you have to lie, Lily. About who you love, or who you’re in a relationship with should never be one of the reasons. Love is pure and wholesome, and often shows the best sides of you.”

Lily bit her lip. She heard what he was saying, but his voice rose steadily. The risk of being overheard fighting was too much. “What does this have to do with anything?”

James blurted out, “Because it’s not  _ my _ secret. If it was, I’d bloody well tell you. But it’s not mine, so I can’t.”

“What are you—?”

“Lily,” James said softly, “I’d tell you if I could. I’m sorry for raising my voice, and I’m sorry for lying, and for being a wanker about it, but I can’t tell you. I’d be betraying the trust of someone incredibly dear to me.”

“James…” Lily looked down, refusing to let him see the tears welling up in her eyes. Her throat tightened as she tried to form the words.

“Look, I’m really tired. If you want a proper explanation, ask me next week. I just can’t wrap my head around everything when I’m this knackered.”

Lily stared at him and his weary expression, before nodding. “Alright.”

“Can we please finish this patrol so I can go to bed?”

“Alright.”

Lily wasn’t going to tell James, but she spent her last few moments awake that night sobbing into her pillow.

 

~

 

Lily awoke to water splashed on her face. She gasped and sluttered, bolting upright and wiping her face furiously. She combed her thick hair out of her face and wiped her eyes before glaring at the perpetrator. Dorcas had her dark brown wand pointed at Lily’s face, a mischievous grin on her face.

“Rise and shine, Miss Evans! It’s a new day and—”

“Sod off. I’m not in the mood, Dorcas,” Lily croaked, her voice scratchy after a long night. There was a sharp pain right behind her eyes as her headache continued into the new day. The light in the room hurt to look at, so she shut her eyes briefly.

“I know. I heard you crying last night.”

Her eyes snapped open. Lily was silent. She thought she had casted a silencing spell, but Lily supposed she must have forgotten after such a long night. Thoughts whirred around her. Dorcas gave Lily a meaningful look, and she slumped a little.

The dormitory was empty except for Dorcas and Lily. The other girls had left their beds in various states of disarray, with the only bed currently occupied being Lily’s on the far right, right beside the door. Marlene and Dorcas’ beds were made, while Mary’s doona was obviously kicked right off, half of it hanging off the edge of the bed and touching the floor. Lily grabbed her wand and dried herself, before looking back at Dorcas.

“And what of it?” she dared, and Dorcas sat at the foot of her bed gingerly. Dorcas’ hair was tied into her usual space buns, and she had her uniform on. Her tie was slightly askew and her robes were wrapped tight around her. A chill came through their room, and Lily shivered.

“Are you alright?”

Lily took a moment to reflect, attempting to keep her breathing constant and face neutral. James’ words flew through her mind, reverberating around her aching head. The sick feeling in her gut returned, and she had to swallow down more tears. Lily’s silence was the answer Dorcas needed.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Lily did. Oh, she desperately did. Everything was piling on top of her and soon there will be one small incident and the avalanche will come crashing down and Lily will be powerless to stop it. But, if she spoke a word of the truth to Dorcas she would be betraying her own ideals, James’ trust, and she will become the biggest hypocrite on the face of the earth. She bit her lip, and considered her options. A myriad of possibilities flew through her head, until finally she landed on discretion. Dorcas was amazing for keeping her secrets, and not asking too many questions. It was Dorcas Lily turned to for advice about Petunia, and it was Dorcas who knew she was begging for help about Snape but never said anything. She minded her own business, and could keep a secret. Lily had to give this a crack.

“What do you think about lying?” Lily asked as nonchalantly as possible. Dorcas blinked.

“Why am I lying?”

“What if you’re lying to… protect someone? Because you don’t want to get them hurt.”

“Well, that’s not lying, is it? It’s protecting them,” Dorcas said simply, crossing her legs. “Of course, not telling someone you’re a hitman or something would be a bit different, but you catch my drift.”

“Hitman?” Lily asked in alarm, and Dorcas laughed, waving her off.

“Don’t worry. Lying to keep people safe is okay, I think. And lying to keep yourself safe is even more okay.”

Lily agreed with her silently. “Okay, but… what if someone is lying about something else to someone really important to them. Like their family, or significant other, for instance.”

Dorcas gave her a look of astonishment. “You shouldn’t be lying to someone else unless it’s to keep another person, or yourself, safe. If someone is lying to you, you need to crush them, honey.”

Lily bit her lip. “I think this person is… protecting a friend. A best friend.”

Dorcas took a breath, adjusting herself on Lily’s bed. She came closer to Lily, putting her hands over Lily’s cheeks and said, “People’s best friends almost always come first. It’s an almost universal state. Falling out of friendships is so much harder and more impactful than with family or lovers. If this person is going to come to you, they will do it with the friend’s permission.”

“But…”

“Did you tell your parents about some of the stuff Snape was up to?” Dorcas asked, and Lily was unsettled.

Thinking back, she really should have. But a part of her refused to betray his trust and reveal some of the awful things going on. The tales of his father, the wrong crowd he got into, and the way he ended up treating her… Lily knew she should have told her parents, but all she would tell them was defaming James and the other Marauders (even Remus, who she has been truly fond of since their third year). She didn’t even tell them the true reason for their fallout, just that they had differences and had nothing in common anymore.

Lily shut her eyes, and admitted she hadn’t. Dorcas made a ‘see?’ sound, and Lily laid back down in bad, her head hitting the pillow with a poof.

She had to apologise to James.

 

~

 

As promised, Remus was out of the Hospital Wing just before lunch. The other three Marauders brightened up considerably when they saw him, waving brightly. Remus took the seat next to James and nudged him.

James handed Remus his runes notebook with the note-filled parchment stuck discreetly inside. He smiled gently at Remus, and said, “I didn’t want to mess up your notes, so I wrote on parchment. Sorry, Moony.”

Remus pretended to scowl, but nudged James again with his knee. Remus flipped it open and took a look at the parchment before nodding in resignation. “You could have gotten quill ink in my book like that, you berk. Can’t you just listen to me?”

“Sorry, Moony.”

Sirius and Peter, while stuffing their faces with the assortment of sandwiches and fruits on offer, wanted to get straight to business. Peter declared it first, “So, we need to get the pollen in place.”

Remus was the one who had suggested the code word for this operation. Pollen seemed to be the perfect fit for the charms they needed to do. Sirius grinned.

“I put together the sticking charms. It won’t start until dinner, but I can already picture their slimy skin getting stuck with their shit posture and awful scaley plotting. Wormtail?”

“Spacial charms are all in place. We just need Prongs to do the sound, and you to cast the final part, Moony.”

James and Remus nodded.

 

Neither James nor Remus were able to do their parts until the final period of the day, when neither of them had class. Sirius was in Arithmancy with Lily, and Peter was up in Divination doing Godric knows what. They had snuck into the Great Hall and began work on the Slytherin table.

Remus, who kicked back on the Ravenclaw table, said, “I read what you wrote.”

James nodded, but promptly told Remus to shut up. He needed to concentrate. Peter’s charms flew above them in pale shades of blue and green, outlining where James needed to cast his spells. James’ own magic intertwined with Peter’s with a bold, deep red. Each letter Peter cast needed its own magical signature. Each letter of SLYTHERIN STINKS would yell out a snarky (though admittedly childish) insults to the Slytherins. James was certain Lily would never approve of this, but the recent influx of bullying incidents on first and second years by upperclassmen warranted a retaliation. In James’ mind, the prank would result in no serious, lasting damages.

James finished the last letter with a pant, lowering his wand and pocketing it. He waved Remus up to do his thing.

Remus’ component was the most difficult. They hid an invisible box on the other side of the Hall (right next to the Hufflepuff table) in which hundreds of pieces of popcorn were hidden. Sirius had already previously charmed them to look and buzz like bees once the prank started, so it was Remus’ job to get them to fly untouched, and swarm the upperclassmen Slytherins.

Despite it being the trickiest aspect of the prank, Remus completed the charms with a flick of his wand, and returned to his spot at the Ravenclaw table. James plopped down beside him, bumping shoulders with Remus.

“I haven’t been sent one.”

“I thought so. Padfoot worries, though.”

“I know he does. It’s gonna give him premature grey hairs. Sirius the Black will be Sirius the Grey.”

“The only person with premature grey hair is me, Prongs.”

James nudged him. “Yeah, and that’s just from worrying about exams.”

“And you lot.” Remus smiled.

“Remus,” James started, but didn’t know where to go. He went with his gut, which was usually pretty stupid. “Do you think we’ll die?”

“If you’re referring to Padfoot’s fleeting fantasies about immortality, then yes. Absolutely. One day. Immortality sounds like it would suck.”

James laughed, but shook his head. “Only Padfoot… But I meant, in the war? Do you think we’ll die?”

Remus paused, turning to appraise James properly. There were wrinkles on his forehead, and his laugh lines grew deeper with his thinking face. “I worry about it. A lot.”

“I’m scared of being the reason someone else gets hurt. Especially someone I care about.”

Remus considered him. “Did… Did those Death Eaters in the summer scare you, Prongs?”

It was less the Death Eaters and more their masks. They were both different but equally exquisite, covering the whole face of the culprit. They had small, thin grates at the mouth, and what appeared to be tailored eye holes for the individual Death Eater. A swirling design was engraved into the material like ancient wallpapers and book covers, and they were sometimes stained various dark colours.

They almost always ended up stained with blood.

Nobody knew anything else about the appearance of Death Eaters other than they had a tattoo shaped exactly like You-Know-Who’s dark mark, and wore black robes while they terrorised the wizarding and muggle worlds. 

James swallowed hard.

“The cops were so close to getting killed, Moony. We acted like complete and utter dickheads and it nearly got us and two muggles killed.”

“You two have always acted like that, though.”

“And it’s just not good enough! Not when people are dying just because they’re existing!”

“James—”

“Moony, Sirius is gonna get himself killed because he can’t pull his head in and see that. He’s so reckless. We were both so fucking reckless. I don’t want him to d—”

“James!” Remus yelled, grabbing James’ shoulders. James jolted, his eyes wide as Remus shook him to clarity. James ducked his head and wiped his burning eyes furiously. “James, I really think you need to talk to Sirius about it.”

“It’s not just—” James swallowed hard. “It’s not just Sirius. I’m worried about everyone. People are out here really dying, and I feel powerless to stop it.”

“You don’t have to fight everyone’s battles, James. Taking on the world and all of it’s evil is going to hurt you irreversibly.”

“But I want to. I want to fight, Remus.”

“In… in the war? With the resistance?”

James nodded furiously. “We can’t escape it.”

“Then we don’t,” Remus nodded, determination sitting on his brow, “We fight.”

 

~

 

James wasn’t expecting Lily to come today. She could hardly look at him yesterday, her eyes darting away from him the first chance they got. She hardly laughed at the prank on the Slytherins, even when the fake bees swarmed Rosier so hard he tore half his uniform off to get away, and screamed out in pain when he ripped off half of his arm hair with it. She also didn’t laugh when nasty Alecto Carrow had to get her hair chopped off because it stuck to the table (Sirius found this hysterical, of course). Lily also didn’t show up to the Gryffindor Quidditch practice last night either, so James thought he would be a hopeless cause if got up and waited for Lily to come. He stayed tucked in bed with one of Remus’ muggle fantasy books, his glasses low on his long, straight nose as he read each word painstakingly.

The muggle world only bothered him for a short moment before the protagonist was whirred off into a parallel universe. James thought he was a bit of a tosser, really. Self-pitying and angry at the universe, denying the facts presented in front of him. The further he read on, the further the wanker’s annoying voice chiseled into his mind. James gripped the pages hard as he read on, being trapped by this new world.

James had to admit, he could understand the appeal. And particularly why Remus might be interested in this sort of story. It had his name written all over it.

James flipped the page again. There was a creak somewhere in the room but James barely registered it as a new character was introduced. He adjusted his position, sliding his legs up and resting the paperback against them. He took a deep breath.

“This is a sight for sore eyes,” someone said right beside him. James jumped out of his skin, his head snapping over to the owner of the voice. Lily stood beside his bed in uniform, a playful smile on her face. Today she had two low pigtails on the side of her head, each secured with golden ribbons. James lowered the book, staring at her in amazement.

“It’s Remus’,” James explained. Lily moved away from him, going to Remus’ bed and picking up some patterned cardboard. She held it out to James, who took it and placed it in the book, snapping it shut. He put it onto his bedside table blindly and sat up, pushing up his glasses. “The main character is an annoying git, but the book is pretty good.”

“So that character has been me for the past few days, then.”

James’ eyes widened and shook his head. “No, definitely not.”

“James,” Lily said, “I’m trying to admit that I’ve been awful and unfair to you the past few days. Let me apologise, you knob.”

James stared at her for a few moments, and waved her to go on. She sat down on his bed with one leg hanging over the side, and took one of his hands. She stroked the back of it with her thumb as she spoke.

“I’ve been acting really close-minded and selfish. I’ve spent the entire time thinking about my fears and feelings and not listening to your thoughts and concerns. I overpowered our relationship with my feelings without considering a compromise, and for that I’m truly sorry. You didn’t deserve me shutting down your thoughts, and you certainly didn’t deserve name calling. I want to… I want to work with you on this one, James. I don’t want to be a dictator.”

James bit his lip as he listened to her. Her eyelids had drooped and any smile that was once on her face had disappeared. She fiddled with the silver ring on her left pinky finger, twisting it around and around with her thumb. James squeezed her hand, grabbing her attention.

“I shouldn’t’ve gotten snippy either.”

“But I understand  _ why _ you were.”

“I keep projecting my need to show you off to the world onto you, which I know you just aren’t comfortable with. I’m really sorry.”

Lily grabbed his other hand. “I know you like to live out loud. I’m just not really—” Lily stopped abruptly. “How about we propose something?”

James raised an eyebrow, “Like what?”

“If… someone close to us finds out, we don’t lie to them. We don’t tell anyone directly, but we don’t lie either.”

James considered this, before nodding and brightening considerably. “That’s… that’s fair. I can do that.”

“Good.”

“Great.”

“Excellent. Are you still in your pajamas?”

James baggy jumper and flannel pants gave him away. He nodded, and Lily flashed him a wicked grin.

“Let’s change that, shall we?”

 

~

 

“Pads?” Peter asked suddenly as the Marauder’s silent studying on Friday night. Sirius, who perched precariously on the edge of his seat, looked up and over at Peter. Peter chewed on the end of a sugar quill while holding a proper writing quill in his hand. Sirius could already see the disaster that was about to occur, and he smirked.

“What’s up, Pete?”

Peter teetered around, before he came right out with it. “With the Arithmancy stuff you went over with Evans, I, uh… I was wondering if you actually wanted to get close to your brother again?”

Sirius stiffened, and refused to go with his gut response. His stomach churned, his head flashing back to the chart he created for Lily. So, Sirius lied. “Nah. I’m not gonna let a bunch of numbers tell me what to do with my shite ex-family.”

Peter looked unconvinced, but accepted the answer. Sirius wasn’t going to tell him that said numbers were the practical Divination. Definitely not. He observed, “I can tell Evans wants to get close with her sister again. She always gets real upset about it.”

James scowled at them. “Hey Wormy, maybe keep your nose out of other people’s business for once.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow at him. “He’s not wrong, though.”

James’ expression hardened, his grip on his book tightening. “Drop it.”

Peter stopped, took one look of James’ expression and put his hands up in defeat. He shook his head and rolled his eyes, which made James’ grip tighten further. “Alright, alright.”

“Prongs, did you take one of my books?” Remus asked, sorting through his short stacks of novels. Sirius flashed a look at Remus, who gave Sirius a pointed look. Sirius turned back to James, who grabbed the novel from his drawer and flashed it at Remus. Remus grinned at him, giving him a meaningful look that went right over Sirius’ head. “Do you like it? It’s a newer release”

“It’s alright. The main dude is a right git,” James commented, flipping through a few pages. He pulled the bookmark up so it was visible over the pages, flashed the top of the book to the room. He was about a quarter of the way through the brick of a book, which befuddled Sirius. James had the entire morning to read, and he only got through that much? Sirius knew James read like dragon fire, so the fact he hadn’t crunched through more was inexplicably odd. What was James up to this morning? Sirius frowned.

Remus grinned at James, fiddling with his knuckles. “That’s the point. It’s very… almost remnant? Of real life. In one place you’re awful and looked down upon, in another you’re amazing and all-powerful.”

“I get why you’d like it, definitely.”

Sirius groaned. They were talking about that stupid fantasy book again. Remus raved on and on about it, and now that there was someone to debate with, he’d never hear the end of it. “Why would you read a book about a miserable git as the main character? I don’t get you lot.”

Remus was affronted. “Excuse me. I’m not taking this slander from someone who said all classics had the same main character.”

Sirius scoffed. “Yeah, and they all  _ suck _ .”

“They’re classics! They exist today because they were well loved and taught valuable lessons about the human condition. They’re fantastic.”

“They’re dated, and exist to appease tradition. They’re boring, difficult to read, and are so context and history specific that you have to wonder about what the fuck was going on with the tosser who wrote it.”

“Is this because I made you read  _ Great Expectations _ ?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. This is absolutely because Remus made him read  _ Great Expectations _ . “I’m just saying that you need to get better taste, Lupin.”

“I’ll get better taste when you give me one good reason  _ Great Expectations _ isn’t brilliant.”

Peter groaned. “Can you two just shut up? You should know better than to get each other riled up like this.”

James agreed, “You’re gonna talk yourselves in circles and then be pissy when neither of you win.”

Sirius flipped him off. Remus responded with an equally rude gesture.

James checked his watch and cursed. “Gotta go to that thing with McGonagall. See you later, lads.”

“Bye Prongs!” Peter called out enthusiastically as Sirius and Remus fake glared. Once the door shut and James’ footsteps faded into the Gryffindor common room, Sirius rounded the other two Marauders up. Remus and Peter sat on his bed, waiting.

Sirius rested his hands on his hips, and tilted his chin upwards to give him the air of authority. “So. Prongs is being well weird.”

Remus grimaced. “I don’t think we should meddle.”

“I know he’s scared about the war, Moony. He gets all moody and justice-y when it comes up.”

“That’s a good Prongs. He’s a fighter,” Peter grinned, but Remus was still unconvinced. 

“I don’t… You can’t say how other people react, you dickheads.”

Sirius elected to ignore him. “This is something else, though, so I propose Operation Beetle.”

“Operation Beetle?” Peter asked in complete confusion, “What’s Prongs got to do with Beetles?”

Sirius leaned over and flicked Peter’s forehead. “Stag beetle.”

Remus scowled further, like he hated it. That’s how Sirius knew he had won. “If I wasn’t opposed to this, I’d say that was almost clever.”

Sirius puffed his chest out proudly, smirking at Remus. “But you said it, and that’s what counts.”

Remus groaned when Peter asked, “What are we doing, then?”

“Recon, negotiation, Marauder business. We found out why Prongs is being a right prat, and we figure out how to stop it.”

“A real Marauders mission!” Peter squeaked. Sirius bared his teeth as he grinned.

“Moony?” Sirius turned, and Remus raised his hands. It really didn’t take much to convince Remus of anything.

“Fine!”

“Then let Operation Beetle begin!” Sirius declared with grandiose.

Remus raised a defeated fist, “Woohoo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the book james was reading is the first book in the thomas covenant chronicles, lord foul's bane, which was published early 1977. i've read about as much as james has, but i do think it's an interesting concept and definitely worth the read!
> 
> also: i have mentioned this on my [twitter](http://twitter.com/moonybyeol/) before but i might have to change my update schedule to fortnightly. my workload is significantly picking up and i'm not sure how much time i'm going to have during the week. i'm trying my best to keep it to weekly, but if there's no update next week it will be the week after! i'll be posting updates on that front on my twitter, so look out for that :)
> 
> otherwise, i hope you enjoyed the chapter! i have a fun jily scene planned for next chapter so stay tuned for that!


	4. a little sweeter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warnings: minor off-screen character death, family matters.

Remus concluded rather quickly that agreeing to participating in Operation Beetle was an incredibly bad idea. It went from an initial sick clench of his stomach to a full-on forest fire, with Remus hacking up his lungs against the burning wreckage of their lives. Of course, for Marauders Operations, this was not a necessarily uncommon occurrence. In fact, insider Marauders Operations almost always started out disastrously. Neither Sirius nor Peter were known for their subtlety, and being discreet was too far out of their vocabulary that Remus gave up hope on it. The flames had simply become a strange, crackling constant in the whirlwind of Remus’ life.

Sirius insisted on giving them all secret codenames (butterfly — “It’s metamorphosis, you wanker.” — for Remus; cockroach — “Impossible to get rid of, small, and also vermin.” “Oi!” — for Peter; and Thor — “Amazing hair, ripped, absolutely awesome. Fits me perfectly, right?” “Didn’t we have a bug thing going on?” “Shut up, cockie.” “Fuck you, Sirius.” — for Sirius himself), much to Remus and Peter’s chagrin. The hurrah was more exciting than the actual Marauding, Remus thought, watching James roll his eyes at Peter’s latest attempt at sucking up.

Sirius and Peter had both taken to ambushing James whenever they had the chance, hammering him with so many questions at once that he told them both to bugger off in rather imaginative ways. They could not go a single second together without Peter and Sirius giving James an eager and self-serving look. James would give Remus unbelieving looks, which amused him to no end. Remus wants to be smug and tell them he saw this coming a mile off, but a part of him wanted to see those two wankers embarrass themselves suitably first.

A week after Operation Beetle had begun, James questioned Remus, which was an interesting change of pace. He couldn’t say he wasn’t expecting it, but Remus had no idea it would be so soon.

The two of them were doing their patrol of the dungeons, sending Slytherins back to bed with promises of detention and points deducted. There was something special about taking points from Slytherin that just… really hit the spot. James always seemed to stand taller and prouder when he patrolled near the Slytherin common room. For someone who swore off being cruel to the Slytherins, he sure did enjoy seeing them lose.

James scratched behind his ear when he asked, “Have Pete and Sirius been…”

“Giving me the third degree?”

“I was gonna say talking your ears off, but that too.”

Remus grinned. The other two would kill him if he blew the operation, so he said, “Sirius and Peter always talk my ears off, but they’re not interrogating me, no. Why?”

James frowned. “They’re super attached to me right now. Which is fine, but I worry.”

“I don’t think anything bad is happening, Prongs. Maybe they think something is up with you.”

“Why the hell would they think that?” James asked, and Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“Well, is there something wrong?”

James hesitated for a moment. So there was. “I mean, not really. Nothing worth that. Usual stuff. Future, war, family.”

Remus was about to reply when he heard shoes scuffing against the floor. He put a hand up to James and nodded in the direction. The two sped up and followed the sound. Turning the corner, Remus ran into a short figure. He looked down and saw wavy black hair, thin grey eyes, and high cheekbones. It was Regulus.

Remus heard James inhale sharply. He recovered quickly and taunted Regulus. “You do realise it’s after curfew, Reggie.”

Regulus’ sharp jaw clenched, and in the firelight Remus could see the Black family anger burning in his grey eyes. “Don’t call me that, Potter.”

Remus stepped between the two before they riled each other up too much, and things got physical. The last thing they needed was for the Gryffindor Head Boy to fight a Slytherin prefect. “Is there something you need, Regulus? Or are you going straight back to bed like you should be?”

“Tell Sirius I need a word with him. Please.” Regulus had an odd expression on his face. He looked much younger than his usual aloof expression and strong gaze. He was much more like the kid who sat with the four of them in second year, worried about his sorting and being separated from his family. Remus felt a stab of guilt.

James, on the other hand, clenched his fist, his face darkening. “Go to bed, Regulus.”

“But will you—”

“Bed, Black.”

Remus stepped in before it could get ugly, with Regulus’ face pinching the same way Sirius’ does when he becomes argumentative. “I’ll pass it on, but no promises. Okay?”

Regulus seemed appeased and turned on his heel, leaving the two Gryffindors in his dust. James’ hand opened. Remus shot him a look, before suggesting, “Do you want to finish our shift early?”

“I want to get away from these damn Slytherins, so yeah. Let’s do that.”

Remus and James power walked through the dungeons on their route, until finally they reached the grand staircases again. Strictly speaking, they weren’t supposed to leave the dungeons until eleven, but with twenty minutes to spare and a general disregard for the rules, neither of them were too worried about leaving early. The two powered up the staircases, watching for the erratic and unpredictable movement, only slowing down once they reached the Gryffindor tower. James said the password (quaffle) and they entered the common room once more.

It was after curfew, so the common room was empty. The fire still crackled in the brick fireplace front of the couches, and the moonlight still shone through the windows onto abandoned cushions. The golden trim of the couches stood out against the maroon cushions in this light. Remus puffed, dropping down on one of the couches. James sat opposite him, leaning his head back. He lifted off his black glasses and rubbed his eyes tiredly.

“James,” Remus said, testing the waters, “There isn’t anything, right? That you’re not telling us.”

James hesitated before saying, “No.”

Remus’ heart sank. James was lying straight to Remus’ face. Remus nodded slowly to cover it, but a wave of nausea and hurt crept up on him. He wasn’t sure why he was surprised — that was the whole point of the Operation. James was hiding something from them, and James  _ never _ hides things from them. Remus played with the fabric of his trousers, before looking back up to James, who was looking at Remus with an odd expression.

“Are you really gonna tell Sirius about his brother?” James asked quietly, and Remus shrugged.

“I feel like I should, but a part of me doesn’t want to hurt Sirius. It’s not lying if I just don’t tell him, right?”

Something flashed across James’ face. Remus furrowed his brows. He offered a tiny smile. “Technically it is, but I won’t tell if you won’t.”

“I think I should.”

“Then do it. It’ll probably upset him a lot, but if you think you should, then do it.”

Remus cocked his head to the side. “You wouldn’t. You don’t want me to.”

“Getting involved with that shithole of a family is… not something I want to do again, and if necessary, I’ll protect Sirius with my life if it means he never has anything to do with any of those fuckers ever again.”

Remus nodded solemnly. “I just… don’t think it’s fair on Regulus, either. He’s somewhat of a victim to his circumstances, too.”

Something in James’ posture suggested he didn’t agree, but he didn’t fight Remus on it. He instead leaned forward and asked, “Do you think Sirius will ever be free of them?”

“His family?” Remus asked, and James hummed. “I don’t think so. He cares too much, and they are around everywhere. They’re like leeches, even now.”

“I want to protect him from all of it. I want to… I want him to know he’s safe with us — all of us — but he’s way too blind to see it. Idiot,” he said affectionately.

“What’s brought this on?”

James leaned back again. “He’s been looking for flats in muggle London. I reckon he thinks he’s being a burden on my family, which is bullshit because Mum and Dad adore him. Like, almost more than me.”

“Heaven forbid,” Remus rolled his eyes.

“I’m just not sure how he’s going to pay for it.”

Remus check his watch before standing up, “That’s a Padfoot Problem, Prongs.”

James followed Remus up the stairs to the dorm. Before they entered, Remus explained his plan for talking to Sirius. James nodded once, heading in first. Remus waited for goodnights to sound through and the drawing of curtains before he entered the dark dormitory. Remus kicked off his shoes and tossed his robes onto the ground before tapping one of the posts on Sirius’ bed. Sirius’ head popped out and he grinned, letting Remus in.

Sirius cast a silencing charm and waited for Remus to begin.

“Firstly, he’s well suspicious of you and Pete. You’re not subtle and he thinks you think he’s fragile. That’s the least likely way you’re going to get information out of Prongs.”

“Noted. Not a single shit given, but noted. Next on the agenda, Messr Butterfly.”

“Well, Messr Wankstain, he’s worried about you. You in the war, your flat hunt, and your family.”

“My family?” Sirius’ voice lost it’s bravado, and became much more delicate. Remus treaded lightly.

“We ran into Regulus during the patrol. He wants to speak with you, but I don’t think he’s quite sure how to approach you.”

“The little sheep isn’t getting anything he can report back from me,” Sirius scowled, presumably assuming the worst. Normally Remus would suggest hearing Regulus out, but it was too risky of a comment so Remus left it at that.

“James is definitely lying to us, though,” Remus veered the conversation away, and Sirius leaned closer. “I can sense it. He’s just off.”

“What happened?”

“I was upfront and asked if there was anything he wasn’t telling us and he hesitated. There’s something going on, I can feel it.”

“Moony intuition is good intuition,” Sirius agreed.

“I just want him to tell us.”

 

~

 

The letter arrived Thursday morning.

Lily was laughing with Marlene and Dorcas about Mary’s unfortunate fall in the middle of the Great Hall, leaving the girl in question as red as a tomato. Lily’s cheeks were flushed and hurting from her laughter, and they hurt lingered as she flipped open her only letter. The envelope was fancy and had golden trimming around the adhesive triangle on the back. Lily folded open the letter, and her stomach dropped.

 

**TOGETHER WITH THEIR FAMILIES**

**PETUNIA EVANS**

**AND**

**VERNON DURSLEY**

**REQUEST THE HONOUR OF YOUR PRESENCE AT THEIR MARRIAGE**

**IN DECEMBER 1997**

 

Lily’s mouth ran dry as she read the words over and over again. Petunia and Vernon were getting married. Petunia and Vernon. Vernon and Petunia. Her Tuney was getting married this year. This year. Married. This year. Her eyes darted down to the specific date, which was conveniently over the winter break. Lily swallowed hard. Inside the envelope there was another letter that was typed (presumably by Petunia herself). Lily’s eyes scanned the paper before her shoulders sagged.

 

_ Lily. _

_ Mother asked me to make you the maid of honour, but I compromised for you being just a bridesmaid. Vernon’s sister, Marge, will be the maid of honour. _

_ You may bring a guest, so long as he is not freakish. Someone from school is (begrudgingly) fine, but they cannot spurt out their abnormality. Especially in front of Vernon’s family. And not that freaky boy from Spinner’s End, either. I do not want any trace of him anywhere near my wedding. You have been warned. _

_ If you wish to speak to me about wedding matters, send it through Mother. Do not ever send me a direct letter, especially about non-wedding matters. I do not want to talk to you about anything other than the wedding specifics. _

_ Kindly, _

_ Petunia Dursley. _

 

Lily felt mildly ill. Petunia had already taken to using Vernon’s surname, which wasn’t the most attractive one either. However, Lily had to admit (rather begrudgingly, as memories of Vernon popped up in her head), that Petunia Dursley had an oddly satisfying ring to it. Petunia’s new signature blinked up at her. Lily blinked back, before folding up the invitation and letter and sliding them into her bag. The other girls were reading their own mail, and Mary had taken Lily’s edition of the Prophet.

Lily announced, “My sister is getting married.”

The Gryffindor seventh years, who stuck together quite closely, all turned to her simultaneously. It freaked Lily out a little bit. Everyone gave Petunia a small congratulations (even Sirius, who raised an eyebrow at her). They gave her small smiles, except for James. James shot an exasperated look in Lily’s direction, and she offered him a grimace, which he returned.

“I’m going to be a bridesmaid, too.”

“You mean to tell me that cow—” Marlene corrected herself when she received equally murderous glares from Dorcas and Mary, “Petunia actually agreed to do that?”

“Mum wanted me to be the maid of honour, but that’s going to be my… sister-in-law.” That left a foul taste in her mouth. She received a few pitying looks, particularly from Peter who, in Lily’s opinion, really shouldn’t be giving her that look. He was an only child from two generations of only children, so he had no point reference.

Remus slid closer to Lily. He gave her a comforting smile. “It sounds like a fun time.” 

It didn’t even sound like he was convinced, just saying the words to make her feel better. She appreciated it, but it didn’t stop Lily clenching a fist under the table, her jaw setting.

“I don’t want to go.”

The others murmured quietly, exchanging looks with each other that Lily hated.  _ Why not? Has she lost it?  _ They were pitying and disbelieving, which were two of Lily’s least favourite emotions. To her surprise, it was Sirius that validated her thoughts. He shrugged as he said, “Then don’t. Being stuck at shit-boring family weddings is the worst.”

Marlene frowned. “Doesn’t your Mum want you there, though?”

Lily frowned. “She doesn’t get to make my life choices for me. Only I do, and I don’t want to go.”

“You’ll regret it,” Marlene argued, but Lily shook her head.

“I’d regret watching that whale of a man marry my sister more.”

 

~

 

It had been a long, tedious Arithmancy lesson. Lily and Sirius sat together and worked on their respective numerology essays, occasionally chatting with each other and exchanging annoyed glances about the volume of the Slytherins’ voices. The words just weren’t writing themselves, and it took all of Lily’s willpower not to burst into tears and have a diva meltdown in the middle of the classroom. She glanced at Sirius and cursed herself for not choosing a friendship bond. Petunia’s wedding invitation read itself over and over in her mind, right up until the name Petunia Dursley was screaming it’s hatred at her. 

Their quills scratched the parchment until the bell went.

Lily and Sirius usually left the classroom last, letting the rest of the class hurry out so that they could walk together casually. They were both away they had huge targets on their backs, so walking together was for their own safety. Lily didn’t mind Sirius’ company when he was alone. He was a good friend and an even greater wizard, and most of all, he despised the bigotry that fell on both of them.

Sirius pushed the wooden door open by its circular, metal handle and held it open for Lily, who exited first with a thankful smile. The two of them held their wands in their robes, their grip tight as they walked through the halls. Sirius shut the classroom door behind him, but when he turned around, he froze. Lily followed his gaze to see Regulus in his Slytherin robes, leaning against the wall.

Lily didn’t think he had the same grace as Sirius, but Regulus definitely was not far off. He had the same expectant gaze and knowing smirk playing at his face. His eyes were different, though. Despite the gaze being similar his eyes didn’t hold the same confidence or bravado Sirius’ did. He stood up straight when he saw Sirius, and Lily swore she saw him fight a smile back.

Lily thought to leave, but Sirius grabbed her arm, urging her to stay. Lily swallowed hard, looking up at Sirius. She could only see his clenched jaw.

“What do you want?”

“A private word with you,” Regulus said pleasantly, sparing a glance to Lily.

“Anything you can say to me, you can say in front of Evans. What do you want?”

Regulus glanced at Lily again, his face becoming slightly less pleasant, and said, “A relative has passed away. Dragon pox, real unfortunate business.”

“Joy!” Sirius exclaimed, “Which one? I’ll be sure to piss on their grave suitably.”

Lily’s expression soured, and Regulus’ mirrored it. “It’s Uncle Alphard, Sirius. They’re trying to keep it from you because you’re not family anymore.”

Sirius tensed visibly. His gaudy exterior fizzled into one of shock. It quickly returned with much more bravado. “Why don’t I know about it already, then? I would have thought dear Mummy would want to rub that one in my face with her little rat hands.”

“He… he left everything to you. They don’t want you to know.”

Sirius gaped, looking at Regulus’ downtrodden expression. “Those fucking vile pieces of shit won’t leave me the hell alone even after I’m out? Typical.”

“They think it’s shameful to leave it to  _ you _ .”

“Shameful?” Sirius yelled. He turned to round on Regulus, and Lily knew she had to step in quickly. Sirius was about to storm over and attack, so Lily grabbed one of his arms and pulled him back. Lily was surprised to feel him trembling.

“Sirius, let’s go,” Lily spoke to him quietly. “Hurting him won’t make you feel better.”

Regulus had stepped away in alarm, and it almost looked like he gave Lily a grateful look. She offered a smile before leading Sirius away. He was compliant and let her, but Lily felt wrong just leaving Regulus there, alone. She turned her head back to him and his downtrodden expression, and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss, Regulus.”

There was something strange in Regulus’ eyes, but she couldn’t place it. It wasn’t the usual disgust his lot gave her. He grimaced. “Thanks, Evans.”

 

~

 

Hogwarts, despite being an incredibly magical castle, had the worst insulation James had ever been exposed to. No matter where you stood in the castle, you were somehow always left freezing. Even right in front of the Gryffindor common room fires, if you remained within sight of a window there would be a chilling breeze hitting the back of your neck. This, thus, made sneaking Lily in and out of the dorm room extremely difficult. Senior students on spares huddled together in the common room, soaking up as much warmth as they could. So James and Lily had to find a way to improvise.

Finding a hiding place on the Hogwarts grounds was difficult at the best of times. James couldn’t pull out the map and check for empty locations and possible intruders, nor could he reveal the locations of the hidden passageways (besides, they would all be far too cold and ruin the mood anyway). Lily immediately shot down the idea of using a broom cupboard, as it would be too incriminating if they were caught. Besides, the two of them were a classy couple who didn't want to freeze for a little bit of thrill.

Which is why James and Lily, during their only alone time in the whole week, studied Defence Against the Dark Arts in the back of the library, hidden behind a shelf full of muggle fiction. Nobody ever ventured back there, especially not during class. The spines created a rainbow to hide behind, each one of the titles jumping out, ready to be read. Not literally, of course. James thought a lot of them would be a lot more enticing if they did.

Lily wouldn’t stop looking over her shoulder. She could hardly focus on her work, nor on James himself. Every time he tried to grab her hand, she would pull it away like he burned her.

James wouldn’t lie, it stung a little.

“Lils,” he whispered, “We can go somewhere else a little more private.”

She whipped her head around and glared at him. “If we’re caught here people will just think we’re friends who are studying.”

“Not with you carving a hole into the wood with you knee shaking like that.”

“What do you suggest then, Potter?”

“Back up to the dorm?”

“I can’t get in without drawing attention.”

“Broom cupboard?”

She held her quill up like a knife. “James.”

“By the lake?”

Lily paused. James bit his lip, a grin rising up on his face. Lily gave him a nod of approval. “No one should be there… and if they are, I’ll push you in. We all win.”

“That doesn’t sound like a win for me, though.”

“Are you complaining that I just agreed with you?”

“To the lake!”

Lily laughed. The two of them piled their stationery back into their bags and left the library as discreetly as possible. Lily’s pace was quick. The tiny heel on her shoes clicked against the cobblestone flooring, and her silky hair bounced behind her. James jogged to keep up with her, passing by the Transfiguration classroom with a quick glance to the doorway.

They reached the outdoor courtyard of the castle quickly with Lily’s speed walking. Walking past the pews and arched windows, James finally managed to slow Lily down. She returned to her normal pace, glancing over her shoulder one last time. She pulled her Gryffindor gloves out from her bag and pulled them on, and James followed suit. The end of her scarf hung from her bag, so James took the initiative and grabbed it. He pulled the end out and stopped Lily. James took the scarf and wrapped it around her neck, bundling her up like a present. Lily pulled the wool down away from her mouth and shot him a brilliant smile that made his heart leap.

James grabbed her hand and laced their gloved fingers together, leading onwards to the lake. It was overcast, with darkening clouds streaking the sky. The air had a distinct bite to it, chilling their exposed skin from head to toe. James walked closer to Lily, her shoulder hitting his upper arm as they walked down the uneven path. The dirt was clear in the grassy hill, with steps leading them all the way down to the Black Lake and pebbles being kicked up by their dress shoes. Lily grinned up at James before running off ahead, dragging him along by his hand. James ran down too, and they sprinted their way all the way down.

When Lily ran, she laughed freely and loudly. She was carefree and her laughter was music to James’ ears. Her grip on James’ hand was loose but James could still feel the warmth of her fingers, even through their gloves. They reached the Lake in no time, jogging under the shade of the big willow on the bank. Lily tossed her bag to the side, and James followed suit, before she sat herself down at the base of the tree. James crouched down in front of her, grinning cutely.

“You look happy.”

“I am happy,” Lily smiled, showing off her teeth. A dimple appeared on her left cheek. James adored it, and pecked it. “Sit down, you idiot.”

Lily pat the grass beside her, and James slotted into place, still holding her hand. He leaned against her and rested his head on her shoulder, looking up to see her gorgeous green eyes twinkling. She was an exquisite gem in a sea of dirt.

“What am I gonna do with you, Potter?” Lily asked, her voice soft. With her free hand she began running her fingers through his hair, failing to neaten it. 

“Go out with me, Evans?”

Lily rolled her eyes. “I’m your girlfriend, you numpty. I’m already going out with you.”

“I love you,” James said, dragging out the vowels. Lily rested her head on James’ with a fond smile.

“I love you too.”

They sat comfortably, hands intertwined under the tree. The shadows from the branches created patterns on their faces, connecting the dots between their skin. Their breathing was calm and slow, and for a few moments they sat still in each other’s company. James wanted to sit like this forever.

“Do you ever think about… a future? For the two of us?”

James blinked at the question. “Like what?”

“Getting married, having kids, owning a cat. Things like that.”

James felt his cheeks growing hot. “I… I might have thought about our wedding. A little obsessively.”

“Oh?” Lily was intrigued, looking down at him curiously. There was a pink tinge on her cheeks.

“Sirius used to tease me about getting a joint tombstone with you.”

Lily laughed loudly. “That’s a bit dark!”

James ran his hand through his hair nervously, ruffling the back of it. It wasn’t like it could get any messier. “But I dunno… Wedding stuff is girl stuff, but… I just—”

“First of all, it’s not,” Lily argued, putting a finger against his lips. “Second of all, I get it. It’s… cute. In a creepy way, it’s cute.”

“I was a right knob, wasn’t I?”

Lily sighed. “A little. But, and I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, you’re my knob.”

James put a hand to his heart, scandalised. “Evans! Such language! What would ole Sluggy say?”

Lily scowled. “Don’t bring him into this, prat.”

“Anyway.” James lifted his head, twisting his body more towards her. Their hands rested on both of their knees, resting loosely together. “Do you think it’ll be safe enough for us to have a wedding one day?”

“James, if I’m marrying you, it won’t be the royal wedding. You know that, right?”

“Lils, you do realise Hindu weddings can go on for days, right?”

Lily evidently did not, if her yelled outburst was anything to go off. James laughed at her reaction. “Three days, usually.”

“Do you want to have a Hindu wedding?”

James thought for a moment, “We could do an English wedding and a Hindu wedding if you’d like. But… a big part of me wants to do a Hindu wedding.”

“I don’t really know anything about Indian culture… Forgive my ignorance, but can you explain it to me?”

James took a breath. “Essentially, there are three main sections. The first is the handing over of the daughter by the father, called kanyadan. Once the bride’s hand is placed in the husband’s while the kamasukta is being said, the ceremony begins.”

“Kamasukta?” the word sounded foreign on Lily’s tongue. James smiled softly.

“It’s a hymn. After the kanyadan, we move onto panigrahana. It’s a unification ritual near fire, where the bride and groom hold hands near fire to mark the start of a new household. The groom accepts responsibility of wealth, the deities, new beginnings and radiance. That’s bhaga, aryama, savita and purandhi respectively.”

Lily nodded slowly. “Why in front of fire?”

“It oversees marriage and marital union. That kind of thing. There’s also fire involved in the last step, which is saptapadi. It means seven steps, and there are actually two versions of it — the long version, and the short version. It’s the legal part of the wedding.”

“So saptapadi is when you’re officially pronounced married?”

“With all the vows and priest and all. The seven steps are the vows which we would say, and it’s called seven steps because we go around the fire for each vow. Then we’re married.”

“It makes English weddings seem pretty… dull? A distinct lack of fire.”

James laughed. “Right? Anyway, there are some other rituals people do but those are the main three. You with me?”

“Are there divergences with wizarding weddings?” Lily asked. “I don’t know anything about those either.”

James thought for a moment. “I think wizarding Hindu weddings usually do, uh… There’s a thing where part of the bride and groom’s clothing is tied together. We just do that magically, and put that together with the union charm.”

“Union charm?”

“It’s sort of like the unbreakable vow. You put your arms together and the officator binds you, and all that.”

“But it’s breakable? I’ve heard about Celestina Warbeck’s divorces in Witch Weekly.”

James snorted. “You read Witch Weekly?”

Lily frowned. “It’s fun for getting the mind off of war things. Reading the Prophet is just plain depressing.”

James raised his eyebrows. “I just wouldn’t peg it for you.”

Lily shrugged. “It’s fun.”

“Alright.”

“Alright.”

The two stared at each other before looking away. James turned his gaze to the lake. The water sat still and murky, and undoubtedly cold, but a part of James wanted to jump in. Clouds filled the sky overhead, but James didn’t think it was going to rain anytime soon. Lily followed James’ faze to the lake.

“Do you wanna jump in?”

“We’re not supposed to swim in the lake without supervision.”

Lily scoffed. “When has that stopped you?”

“I was thinking of you, Miss Head Girl.”

“Didn’t I just suggest it?”

Lily dragged James to his feet. She let go of his hand and pulled off her shoes, and unravelled her tights. She pulled them off and placed them on top of her shoes. James did the same with his shoes and socks before rolling his trousers up to his knees. They made their way to the edge of the water, wincing when rocks dug uncomfortably into the bottoms of their feet.

Lily entered the water first, squealing and retracting her foot at the temperature. James dipped a toe in and grimaced. Lily finally stepped into the water and dragged James in. It was ice cold and stabbed at their legs, but after a while they were numbed. Lily took both of James’ hands and grinned adorably, her nose scrunching up and her eyes crinkling. 

“You’re so pretty…” James whispered, “I adore you.”

Lily stood on her tiptoes and pecked him. She let go of one of his hands and pulled him closer by the waist, grinning widely at him. James’ heart skipped a beat. She wrapped her arms around his waist and said, “I think two weddings sounds nice.”

James smiled broadly. “Really?”

“Really.”

James grabbed her face and kissed her forehead, before pulling her into a hug. Lily hugged back tighter than he thought she would. James whispered into her shoulder, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

And he meant it.

 

~

 

Remus Lupin was stuck still at the top of the hill. 

At first he thought his eyes were playing tricks, or that a Slytherin had pranked him and now he was hallucinating a false reality. He rubbed his eyes, blinked a few times. His jaw dropped.

Lily Evans just kissed James Potter.

James Potter just kissed Lily Evans.

James Potter and Lily Evans.

Remus felt like he was losing his fucking mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, i would like to give a huge thank you to [nisa](https://twitter.com/nisarga_sinha) for doing me a giant favour and doing a sensitivity test for me! it means a lot, and i'm glad i could write about hindu weddings as accurately and sensitively as possible! secondly, a big thank you to everyone who is reading! your kudos, bookmarks and reads mean a lot to me and i would love to hear from you all <3 your support makes me want to keep uploading despite my packed schedule!
> 
> on that topic, i also need to give a quick update on my uploading schedule: i am still going to attempt to upload every saturday, but with university, work and some major personal things going on in my life i'm not sure how well i'm going to be able to keep up with it. as always, writing updates and previews will be on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/moonybyeol).
> 
> thank you for reading this update! see you next time :)


	5. our little secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Realisations are often worse than fear, because realisations lead us to the truth in which we fear or delight ourselves in. Realisations bend and break trust, but they also bring us closer together.
> 
> We need to decide if they're good, or if they're bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings: discussions of war, family matters, minor character death, and some in-character slytherin bashing. the slytherin stuff isn't too severe it just ties in with the war discussions and canonical views of slytherins by the characters.

It took Remus two days to fully process what happened that Friday.

James and Lily. Lily and James. Together. Kissing each other. On the mouth. In the lake. James not being drowned. Lily reciprocating. The I love you. They love each other. Love. Really love each other.

Oh, Merlin.

Remus could hardly look at either of them without breaking into a sweat. James and Lily both went about their lives as normal. James stuck with the other three Marauders. He played snap with Peter, argued to no end with Sirius about something or rather, and studied quietly with Remus. If one wasn’t looking, they would have no idea about James’ stolen glances of Lily. He had become so much subtler about it, but Lily had picked up on it so quickly that Remus was, yet again, rendered speechless.

It really hit him rather belatedly that this was James’ big secret. Lily was what he hid from the other Marauders, worrying them sick with. He had a girlfriend, and his girlfriend was someone everyone was led to believe would rather snog the giant squid than date him. James Potter was dating Lily Evans. He was honest-to-Merlin dating Lily Evans. And he felt the need to hide it.

Remus felt a little faint.

Their secret relationship begged many questions. How did it happen? How long has it been happening? How did they keep it a secret from everyone for so long? Why were the hiding it?

Just, why?

Remus sat awake in the common room on Monday night, waiting for James and Lily to return from their patrol shift. It was rather cosy when it was alone, with the fires crackling and a blanket pulled over his long legs. Remus held a book in one hand and a stolen mug of hot chocolate in the other. Remus noticed that it was significantly after their shift had finished, but they still hadn’t returned. He gave an involuntary eye roll at the scenarios being catapulted around his head. Remus read and sipped his drink as the minutes passed, until he heard footsteps from outside the portrait. He could hear Lily’s quiet laughter, and James’ teasing before any human ever could. Remus stuffed the book underneath his blanket, turned towards the entry to the common room, and held his mug in his lap with two hands. When James said the password Remus plastered on his Prefect smile, which was the perfect blend of smug, authoritative, and amused.

James’ voice suddenly got a lot louder when he said, “There’s a reason you keep me around, Evans.”

Lily scoffed. “It’s obviously your looks, because your sense of humour is a nightmare.”

“I’m hilarious, excuse you.”

“A joke, maybe.”

“You love me,” James grinned, leading her. He walked backwards, holding Lily’s hands and with certain grace. Remus would call it prancing if he wanted to annoy James. Lily’s smile was nothing less than adoring, with the corners of her eyes twinkling and her gums peeking out behind her lips. The way James led her in was like a dance, slow and steady, with his focus on nothing but Lily.

“I love you, and you love—oh my God!” Lily jumped back at the sight of Remus, her eyes wider than the moon. Lily tugged James along with her, who jumped around with a mirrored, caught-out expression. It only made Remus smile wider.

“So.”

Lily quickly took over. “Remus. How lovely to see you. Shouldn’t you be in bed?”

Remus countered quickly. “Shouldn’t you? It’s half an hour after your shift ended. Surely you’re tired?”

James gave up much quicker than Remus thought he would, which in itself intrigued Remus. He almost wanted to argue for longer. “How long have you known?”

Remus leaned back, sipping on his hot chocolate. It was lukewarm, and getting to the stage where it had become just undrinkable. Remus continued on principle. “I saw you on Friday. In the lake.”

“Fuck,” Lily swore, angrily tearing out her braids. Remus thought it was an odd reaction, but what would he know?

“So… why the confrontation, then? Is Sirius here somewhere? Pete?” James asked, surveying the room. Remus shook his head, placing the mug down on one of the tables. He pat the couch beside him, and James and Lily tentatively sat down.

“I just want to know why. Why are you hiding it? Or… no. I want to know why you were hiding it from  _ us _ , Prongs. You know that we wouldn’t…”

James immediately looked incredibly guilty. He pulled his glasses off and played with the arms, not answering immediately. James gave a half-hearted shrug.

“I know I can trust you. I’d trust all three of you with my life.” James insisted, giving Remus a meaningful look that went right over Lily’s head.

“I wanted to keep us a secret. My friends don’t even know. My family doesn’t, either. Nobody knew, Remus. It wasn’t personal.”

Remus sat up straighter. “I just don’t understand why, Lily.”

“It just— I’m muggleborn. It makes things… difficult. Sometimes. Most of the time.”

Remus sat silently. Her words echoed around his head, and he suddenly regretted confronting them like this. He ducked his head, but immediately James was onto him.

“Don’t feel bad. I’d definitely do the same thing if one of my friends was keeping a secret,” James grabbed his knee, and when Remus looked back up James gave him a meaningful look. Remus immediately knew he wasn’t in trouble, and he grinned slightly. Lily looked between the two.

“So… You were scared that because Lily is muggleborn that… something would happen?” Remus asked tentatively, and Lily and James exchanged a look. James reached for Lily’s hand, and held it delicately.

The thing that got Remus the most was how far the two had come. Remus remembered in great detail how much Lily despised James. She used to rant about him on patrols, and Remus found it highly amusing. He just never understood why. Now they sat there, nearing midnight on a school night, with James tenderly holding Lily’s hand, and Lily leaning against James as if it were only natural. They touched simply because they could — because they needed to — and they did so without a second thought. Lily’s tense shoulders, and the crease between James’ brows evaporated with each other’s warmth.

Lily rested her head on James’ shoulder. “There’s… It’s terrifying out there. And I think there’s a huge difference with being brave and just being reckless. I didn’t want to be reckless, especially when this all began. I wanted to… I wanted to fall in love right. Be sure about it. Be encapsulated by it. By James.”

“How long?” Remus asked in a quiet voice.

James responded in one equally quiet. “Since September, Moony.”

Three months. Three months and James and Lily were in love. Three months ago James and Lily started hiding themselves from everyone.

“And you really, really love each other?”

Lily looked up and James and smiled, and Remus didn’t need an answer.

“There’s something I need to tell you, then.”

The two of them sat upright. Remus wrung his hands, shifting his legs under the blanket. He fidgeted when he was nervous, which was an awful habit to have. Especially now. “We started an Operation to figure out what was up with you, Prongs. Code names and everything.”

Lily’s brows furrowed, and she frowned. James, on the other hand, looked exasperated. He put his head in his free hand, shaking it. Remus wanted to reach over and touch him, but fought against it.

“It was Padfoot, really, the knob. But we all wanted to know what was going on.”

James stilled. “You thought I was doing something, didn’t you? That I was into some shit?”

“We didn’t know what to think. We just wanted to get to the bottom of it.”

“What’s it called?”

Remus paused, his eyes darting to Lily. “Operation Beetle.”

James and Lily both stared at him. Remus hesitated, before saying, “Stag beetle, Prongs.”

James’ mouth made an ‘o’, and Remus could see him fight a smile. Remus knew they were forgiven. Lily, on the other hand, looked more confused than ever. She shook her head and left it, and Remus assumed she just stopped questioning Marauders comings and goings at this point.

“Remus,” Lily said, and Remus gave her a soft smile. “Don’t tell them. Please.”

James looked at her and agreed. “We just want it to be organic, you know? We won’t deny it if they ask directly, but we aren’t—”

“Flaunting it.”

“So please, Moony?” James asked sweetly, and Remus sighed.

Sirius and Peter were so going to hate him when they found out. But he agreed anyway.

“I have just one more question.”

James waved a hand. “Go for it.”

Remus grinned mischievously. “Have you shagged yet?”

“MOONY!”

 

~

 

James and Sirius shared one free period together. It was Wednesday, straight after lunch, when their subjects aligned. James remembered McGonagall’s face when she handed them their timetables, and her absolutely exhausted deadpan. It was one of James’ favourite times of the week, because it was when the two could truly bond.

It was different when Remus and Peter were there. It was always different when other people were with your best friend. You could never wholly be yourself, and they can never wholly attach themself to you just as you want to do to them. There is no comfortable company, or sane silence. James knew this to be especially true for him and Sirius, who become vastly different people when others are added to the equation. There’s Hogwarts James and Sirius, Marauders Padfoot and Prongs, home James and Sirius, the dears, and James Potter and Sirius Black.. But there’s one, which is the truest person the two could be, that was just James, and just Sirius, who were the best of friends.

It was just James who opened the door on just Sirius, who ran away from home in the pouring rain. That Sirius turned up on James’ doorstep panting heavily, tears mixed in with drenched body, shaking violently with the cold. It was just Sirius who comforted just James when Euphemia and Fleamont Potter had a dragon pox scare, and discussed their wills loud enough for the two illegal animagi to hear. It was just James and just Sirius who were scared shitless by the war, knowing that there would be no turning back from the terror You-Know-Who inflicted on the world.

Sirius had been unusually quiet over lunch, and James knew immediately that something was seriously wrong. Sirius focused entirely on his food, but picked at it with his fork. Sirius was always hungry — James argued it was a side effect of being animagi, but Peter always pointed out that Sirius always wolfs down his food when he has the chance.

James and Sirius walked back up to the common room together, with Sirius saying the password. They headed up to the dormitory in silence too, and James was deeply unsettled. Sirius sat down on his bed and sorted through his books, but James slammed his bag down onto the mattress.

“What’s going on, Pads?”

Sirius look at James blankly, his grey eyes off in some far-off land. Dread filled James’ gut. Glossed over eyes was never a good sign — it meant family. James shrugged off his cloak, the fabric bundling up around his feet. James stepped over it and walked over to sit on Sirius’ bed, with one knee up and the other leg hanging off the edge of the bed. Sirius took a deep breath and pulled two envelopes from his bag. They were both pitch black, and only one contained writing on it. The ink shimmered silver and spelled Sirius’ name in elegant calligraphy that James recognised as the sign of pureblood elitists. He shuddered.

Sirius held them carefully, his fingers barely touching the paper. “I haven’t opened either of them.”

James stared down at them in Sirius’ lap. “What’s stopping you?”

Sirius shrugged, toying with the wax seals on them. One read  _ toujours pur _ , and the other had a sigil James couldn’t identify. That in itself worried him.

“Do you want to open them together?” James suggested, but Sirius shook his head.

“I can do it.” For his sake, James pretended he didn’t hear the tremor in Sirius’ voice.

James watched as Sirius read through the letter from his family. Sirius read each word with deliberation, and James could hear him worrying over every word in the calligraphy letter. Sirius’ face was an emotionless mask, accepting every word as it was written. By the end, Sirius’ hands were shaking. He shoved the letter in James’ face.

“Uncle Alphard died. I get his wealth. Regulus told me, but here’s the proof.”

“What?” James asked in alarm. His heart plummeted as Sirius casually moved onto the second envelope. “Sirius, I’m so sorry.”

Sirius looked up at him suddenly. His pale grey eyes were wide, like he had been cursed. “I don’t understand why people say that. What do they mean by ‘I’m sorry’? You didn’t do anything to him. He was old, and he got dragon pox.”

James furrowed his brows. “I’m just sorry for your loss. I wish it wasn’t like this.”

“Do you think it’s guilt that makes people say it? Or pity?”

“I… I dunno, Sirius. I really don’t know. It feels a bit weird to say anything else.”

Sirius turned back down to the second letter, unfolding it. He dropped it like it burned him. James took it quickly, and nearly threw up.

 

_ Sirius Black. _

_ It is my honour and great pleasure to be sending you this invitation, and I’m sure that you would be obliged to attend a gathering of only the most noble and worthy witches and wizards of our time. Of course, you would not be the first, and you would most certainly not be the last. _

_ I am Lord Voldemort. _

 

James didn’t need to read anymore. He threw it in the air and cast it alight, watching it burn into nothing before their very eyes. Sirius flopped back on his bed, his chest becoming very still. James leaned back with him, turning his head so he could look at his best friend. His brother. Sirius’ hair flowered around his head, and his portrait strong. James wasn’t looking at Padfoot, or Pads, or ‘you wanker’, he was looking at Sirius. Just Sirius. And just quietly, just Sirius was James’ favourite Sirius.

“I want to fight,” Sirius said quietly, but the words filled the room with colour. His jaw set, and he turned to look at James. His eyes had that glint, the ones that chilled a room with lit fire. There was no smirk, and no mischief. Just Sirius was James’ favourite Sirius because just Sirius did what was right.

Sirius was a fighter.

“Then we’ll fight.”

 

~

 

It was Friday, and James didn’t know how to bring it up.

Lily seemed far more subdued since Remus found out, and that week has been a series of dodging Sirius and Peter’s attempts at questioning, ensuring Sirius didn’t fall down a dangerous hole, and making sure Remus didn’t make suggestive faces at either Lily or James himself in a public location (the scoundrel).

Lily came in not long after first period started, with a novel in hand and a warm coat wrapped around her. She plopped down next to James and leaned against his chest. James wrapped his arms around her waist, enjoying the comfort and warmth. His nose was pressed against her hair, which smelled like strawberries. James wasn’t paying attention to the words on the page, but occasionally his eyes darted down to the pages and read a few lines.

James decided he couldn’t put it off any longer.

“So Remus knows,” James opened, and Lily nodded. She dog eared the page and shut it. The thick book rested on her lap, holding down her skirt.

“Believe it or not, James, I was there on Monday night. It was only four days ago. I know he knows. And he knows that we know that he knows.”

James blinked. “That’s a lot of knowing.”

“It’s a lot more knowing than I thought would be known.”

James stared down at her. His head spun. “I’m lost. You’ve lost me. Redo, start over, reset. Remus knows.”

“I can’t believe those three are plotting against us!” Lily exclaimed. She let go of the book and raised her hands in exasperation, as if telling off the three figures who were currently attending class. James’ eyes darted to Sirius’ draw, where the map sat hidden, and rolled his eyes. He could believe it.

“Well, if we’re being technical, they’re plotting to figure out what’s going on with me. A full-out Marauders mission, that I am unfortunately being unduly investigated in for the information they think they need. An interrogation, if you will.”

“Are your friends  _ okay _ ?”

“Hey! They just care. They wanna make sure I’m okay. Wouldn’t yours do the same?”

Lily bit her lip, and shrugged. “You lot are a special breed of close that the rest of us aspire to.”

James put a hand to his heart. “I’m touched.” He meant it.

“I’m not really sure it was a compliment, given all this,” Lily said, but she was smiling in the fond but exasperated way James adored.

James grinned widely, nodding over to Sirius’ bed. “It definitely was. We have compatibility charts and proof that we are truly the best.”

Lily rolled her eyes, but not unkindly. “You and those Marauders… Bane of my existence since day one.”

“Never let us forget it. Your adoration will get to our ‘overly inflated heads’.”

Lily laughed sarcastically. Once she quieted down, she asked, “What do we do now Remus knows?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I was asking you, Lils. What do you wanna do?”

“Tell him to stop looking so suggestive all the time.”

James felt that deep in his bones. A moment in Remus’ presence without him glancing at the other, or smirking like he knew a secret (which, to be fair, Remus probably knew everyone’s secrets). The glint that hooked onto his eyes was the same he got when he received the perfect bit of information for one of their pranks. James got a sudden idea, but he knew Lily would turn him down.

“We could prank him.”

Lily actually considered it. It was in this moment that James realised he kind of wanted to die for Lily Evans. For real.

“That’s… not a bad idea.”

“I’m not sure if you realise, but my heart rate just went up by so much. I don’t think I’ve loved you this much before.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Only you would think that.”

“Did you have any ideas?” James queried, his arms tightening around her waist.

Lily smirked, leaning her head back on his shoulder. “I actually might.”

Let the games begin.

 

~

 

Lily and Sirius walked to Arithmancy side by side when Sirius suddenly grabbed her hand.

Lily jumped, snatching her hand back, and stopped abruptly. Sirius turned to match her, and said, “I don’t want to go to class.”

“We have to, Sirius,” Lily pointed out.

“Actually, I think it’s a good idea if we wag.”

Lily turned back to see Regulus hanging around the classroom, and bit her lip. They would only be working on the essay, which the both of them were nearly done anyway, so it wouldn’t be too bad, right? And no class was worth Sirius’ suffering. Lily held her hand out for Sirius, who took it tentatively. Lily walked away from class with conviction, and Sirius followed along quickly. He bounced off ahead, brightening up significantly. He bounded ahead and dragged Lily down by the lake, just as James would. Lily grinned as he pat the ground beside him at the base of the tree. Lily sat beside Sirius with her legs crossed and hands in her lap.

“I finished last night, and I could not be  _ fucked _ going to class. Arithmancy is going to be the fucking death of me.”

“I assume you and Potter are going to run happily ever after into the sunset?”

Sirius shrugged. “It was weird. The results kept turning out negative, but once I narrowed the scope to the next few years it was quite positive. Eternal trust, unwavering faith, and family. Weird, that. What about you and your sister?”

Lily played with one of the clear plastic bands she had wrapped around the end of her braid. She picked at it as she spoke, and Sirius watched her do it. “She’s really disapproving, but it seems that something next year is going to change it a little. A major event in my life is going to bring us a little closer, from what I got. It was weird though.”

“How? Because mine got real funny too.”

“It sort of… suggested that I was only going to be playing a major role for a few years, but then it would wane away and another family member would take over. It was really strange and imprecise.”

Sirius’ eyes narrowed. “Four years?”

Lily was taken aback. “Yeah… I assume yours was the same?”

“Yep. Maybe there’s some sort of time limitation for really close relationships, or that external factors create currently unforseeable futures.”

Lily shrugged, leaning back. “Who cares, it’s over, and I’m sick of that stupid class.”

Sirius laughed. “Why’d you even take it, anyway? I know you’re into all that nerd shit, but I can’t see any use for it in NEWTs?”

Lily bit her lip, before just telling Sirius. “I thought about being a cursebreaker, but then the war intensified and I don’t think it’s an option for me anymore.”

Sirius sat up straighter. He crossed his fingers together and laid them on his lap. He looked like a schoolboy doing it, and it almost made Lily crack a smile.

“Because you’re muggleborn?” He asked. Lily half nodded.

“It’s not just because of regulations,” Lily told him. “I don’t think I’m going to be useful just sitting around and studying while others are out there risking their lives for the cause. I want to fight.”

Sirius’ expression flickered into something Lily couldn’t quite make out. He then chuckled, and wrapped his arm around Lily’s shoulder. “I was thinking the same thing, Evans. That same exact thing.”

“Will you fight?”

“Of course I will. Maybe not for the same reason as you, but I will fight. Because it’s the right fucking thing to do.”

They lulled into silence. The cold started to seep through Lily’s cloak and sweater, so she pulled them closer to her. She curled into a ball and rested her head on her knees. Sirius, who seemed to be a human furnace, was unbothered. The cold seeped through to her chest, and her eyes grew heavy.

“Sometimes I think it’s better if my sister and I aren’t so close, because then she won’t get caught up in the fighting.”

Sirius stared at her, a smile quirking up his lips. Lily thought it was an odd reaction. “You’ve got a big heart, Evans.”

“I know you worry about Regulus, too. Even if you act like he’s the dirt under your shoe.” Lily reached over and kicked his shoe lightly.

“You’re right. He’s worse than the dirt under my shoe.”

She scowled. “Black.”

“Fine! Fine.” Sirius looked away from Lily, his eyes catching on something in the distance. Lily followed it to the dark impending clouds. “It’s kind of like that.”

“Like the clouds?”

They swallowed the pale blue-grey sky, blending into a wall of darkness. It covered the sun and the hope that all on the side of light harboured deep in their hearts. Every once in a while a streak of golden sunlight breaks through the steel, but it is soon squashed.

“I can see that it’s fine out and it’s not going to rain, but at some point everything is going to pour out with a crack. Darkness is going to prevail, and some people are gonna be caught in the rain.”

“Do wizards not have umbrellas?” Lily asked quietly, and Sirius rolled his eyes at her. “I think you should try and be closer to your brother.”

“I think you should go to your sister’s wedding.”

“I thought you didn’t.”

“You’d regret it. You’re too kind hearted to not.”

Lily and Sirius stared at each other in stalemate. Sirius leaned back, shutting his eyes. “Do whatever you want, though.”

Lily sank. She didn’t really know what that was.

 

~

 

Operation Beetle was slow going, if slow going meant at a screeching halt.

Peter chewed on the end of his quill in Charms, observing James from afar. Sirius, who sat beside him, took his notes with the occasional glance towards the Head Boy. When Peter’s eyes flicked down to them, he saw Sirius’ glib responses to the theory in his margins. Peter’s own Charms notes were sparse and the parchment with the date and ink splatters all over it was going to waste. Professor Flitwick’s squeaky voice and Charms theory was drowned out by Peter’s overwhelming worries.

None of the tactics were working. The Marauders’ usual attack and conquer method fell short on James, leaving Peter stunned. He had never known James to hide something with such intensity, especially since Peter knew James had to have caught on by now. Peter sighed, jabbing the parchment with the tip of his quill.

There was no denying that the black letter was a possibility. The war was picking up outside the walls of Hogwarts, and Peter knew deep down that none of them were truly safe. The rumour mill regurgitated names of possible Death Eaters, and everyone at Hogwarts just knew the names of people (namely, Slytherin upperclassmen) who would stream straight into You-Know-Who’s hands. Those slippery Slytherin’s jumped at the chance to prove their bloodlines superior, and everyone and their dog knew it. Peter himself (not that he would ever admit it to the other Marauders) had received a letter, admittedly not from You-Know-Who himself, but a letter of interest nonetheless. His stomach plummeted when he got it, his eyes scraping over the words over and over and over until his vision blurred and he jammed it in his trunk. Peter still hung onto it, months later, for a reason he couldn’t identify, but it Peter hid it so deep in his trunk that no one would think to look for it. After all, the self-loathing part of his mind thought, who would think Peter Pettigrew would be on You-Know-Who’s radar?

But James. James Potter would never let that fly. He was too strong hearted and forthright with his opinions, with a heart of gold and a mouth that spat fire at those who unduly hated people. James, who hated dark magic and evil more than anything in the world, would never sit and quietly destroy a letter from You-Know-Who. James would make a spectacle of burning it in front of the Slytherins, essentially painting an even bigger target on his back, before he ever hid that letter from anyone. He would stand tall and proud, with his chest puffed up and his chin high before he ever let anyone see his fear. James despised the recruitment in schools, and despised the cause more than anything Peter had ever seen.

But a part of Peter still believed it could be true. He didn’t want to think James would lie to them for any other reason. Peter shuddered to think that anything would be worse than it. He prayed that it wasn’t true, but it niggled deep into his head that James was hiding that letter. Peter stabbed the parchment again, hard, and ink spilled out further through his book.

That was going to be difficult to fix covertly.

Professor Flitwick called on Sirius, who answered in his usual informed and charming way that scored points for Gryffindor, and made James chuck a grin back in his direction. Peter glanced at Sirius and his glib expression, and the smug smile that he wore when winking at James. Even when apart those two spoke to each other, even if no words were exchanged. Peter sighed, and wrote a quick note on his book for Sirius.

 

_ Got anything yet? _

 

Peter shoved it towards Sirius, who took one look and shook his head.

 

_ Butterfly hasn’t been reporting back. He’s not very good at his mission, is he Pads? _

 

Sirius mouthed ‘Thor’ at Peter, who rolled his eyes.

 

_ Prongs has been avoiding me. Has he been doing the same to you? _

 

Sirius stared down at it, considered it, before shrugging. Under the desk, he shook his hand to indicate ‘sort of’, which in Sirius language really meant ‘not quite’. Peter didn’t mention it, and instead moved on.

 

_ Do you think he received  _ _ it _ _? _

 

Sirius immediately shook his head, and pointed to the front of the class. He dismissed Peter without a second thought, and Peter frowned. A thought drifted through his head. Maybe Sirius was in on it too?

Unlike James, Sirius wouldn’t parade around that fact. It would put him too close to his evil, Slytherin family, and Sirius hated everything to do with them, even if certain members were somewhat decent. Sirius would treat a letter like that with deep shame, and dwell on it for day after day leading into months of overthinking and stressing about it. It was what happened when he ran away, and when Remus expelled him temporarily over The Incident, and it’s what’s going to happen when the three other Marauders find out exactly what was wrong with James.

Peter sighed again.

 

_ I’m going to try playing the insecurity card. Is that too emotionally manipulative? _

 

Sirius deadpanned, and gave him a clear look that screamed out very loudly: DON’T DO THAT, YOU FUCKING PRICK.

Peter was going to do it anyway.

He was going to find out what was wrong with Prongs, with or without Sirius’ approval.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed the chapter!
> 
> if i'm being 100% real the fact i finished this chapter before my upload time is an incredible feat after the stressful and exhausting two weeks i've had. as always, not sure if i'll be updating next week but i do try my hardest to get these chapters out weekly. i'm continually amazed at the support i'm receiving and honestly just the fact i've gotten this far into this fic without stopping.
> 
> as always, for updates on what i'm writing/reading, general rants or just a fun chat, hmu on [twitter](https://twitter.com/moonybyeol)! and don't be afraid to dm me, my dms are always open!

**Author's Note:**

> come have a chat to me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/moonybyeol)! thank you for reading, and i hope you enjoyed this!


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